Directing the Misdirected
by WaterShadow
Summary: If one is truly seeing underneath the underneath, then what exactly does one see that isn't already exposed?  A cycloptic jounin is about to find out...or so he thinks.  Now COMPLETE.
1. The Accident

"Directing the Misdirected"

by: WaterShadow

Disclaimer: I do not own or propose to have had any input whatsoever in the creation of Masashi Kishimoto's manga, Naruto, nor do I claim any profits therein. Unfortunately.

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Chapter One: The Accident

"It'll be fun, trust me!"

"Your ideas of fun leave a lot to be desired, moron."

"Watch it, bastard..."

Umino Iruka, school teacher extraordinaire, listened with apparent good humor at the banter between his former pupils. The good humor was always present whenever he was with Naruto. He had looked after him like a much younger brother for as long as he had been a teacher. However, the good humor vanished quickly as his fist bopped the slightly shorter (Naruto had done quite a bit of growing these past few years) young man on top of his skull, and poked Sasuke in the side simultaneously.

"Naruto, watch your language! Sasuke-kun, don't insult him," Iruka intoned in his no-nonsense voice. "Now, I agreed to come along and witness this experiment, but I'll leave if you two continue to prod each other into fighting!"

Sasuke subtly moved his arm so it did not look as though he was favoring it, and Naruto moaned and held his head in a considerably more obvious fashion. Neither gesture meant to inspire guilt mattered to Iruka. He hadn't hit either of them hard enough to cause lasting harm or to incur retaliation. He definitely didn't want to be retailiated against.

He was also amused at the mental picture such a situation created. It would be funny how it would look when the hypothetical case in question was dragged in front of the Hokage. What would the defense be like? _'Sorry, Hokage-sama, for attempting to teach two of the village's premier chuunin some actual manners?'_ For a moment, the pleasant expression on Iruka's face returned and shone with some additional amusement.

"Come ON, Iruka-sensei! You'll really like this!" Naruto, already an example of high energy even in a village as physically active as Konohagakure, grabbed Iruka's arm and attempted to chivvy him into a slow trot, as opposed to the fast walk the three of them were already doing.

"Come on, mo-Naruto," Sasuke said, catching a small warning glance from Iruka and stopping the insult just in time. "We're already less than a minute from Hokage-sama's office, and you will survive until then."

Moments like these, when his former student Uchiha Sasuke remembered that he had words and could actually use them without hurting himself, were what Iruka lived for. He thought he'd burst with pride. Or curiosity, Despite his unchanging pace, Iruka truly _did_ want to see what surprise awaited him in the Hokage Tower.

"I know, Sasuke, I know," Naruto said, almost bouncing as he walked. "I just can't wait, is all!"

Iruka smiled. "Naruto, don't worry," he soothed, even as they reached the stairs and the first set of guards to Hokage Tower. "We'll be there as soon as security clears us to go in, and then you can surprise me as much as you want."

"I'm also taking you out for ramen later as a treat," Naruto added, almost as an afterthought, while being professionally patted down by an impassive man wearing ANBU gear.

Iruka retracted his previous observation. With the mask being made of chakra-infused porcelain, there was no way the man in question could be anything but impassive without either removing the faceguard or performing a truly astonishing henge. He did smile widely, even as the search-treatment he received wandered into areas that he'd need a few dates and shots of sake to actually justify. "Ramen too? Wow, this must be special," he teased. Having been given curt nods to signify their permission to enter, Naruto and Iruka patiently waited for Sasuke to undergo the same treatment before beginning the climb to the Hokage's office.

Several more checkpoints of increasing scrutiny and chakra later, they arrived at the Hokage's door, with the ever-efficient Shizune standing outside to personally welcome them in. She bowed politely, and they bowed in return. Iruka stepped forward out of habit to take half of the paperwork she held. "Always a pleasure to see you, Shizune-san," he said, while carefully removing the portion of her armful that seemed in most danger of falling after she'd straightened from her bow.

"Thanks, Iruka-san," Shizune said in relief. "I sometimes wish I had another arm to deal with these!"

"Trust me, I know the feeling." Iruka glanced toward the shut door of the office. "Might Hokage-sama see us?"

Shizune nodded and carefully tapped the door with a sandaled foot in a measured pattern. Seemingly by themselves, the doors swung wide. Even though all three male shinobi present felt the chakra doing the work, it was still an impressive sight to see those intricately carved doors moving inward (defense tactic, said the ever-alert part of Iruka's mind, to limit inward view and give the Hokage time to prepare in case of attack) at a slow and decorous pace.

The teacherly part of Iruka's mind decided that, come hell or high water, he _WAS_ going to learn that jutsu today. He could remember several times in the past week alone where being able to open a door without having to free a hand would have been of supreme use.

The Hokage, Tsunade-sama herself, was leaning against the desk, arms crossed under a bosom Iruka had heard described as nothing short of miraculous. Iruka himself would have preferred she would cover it more, but he knew better than to ever say that out loud.

"Well, come on in," Tsunade said impatiently, jerking her head toward her desk. "We haven't got all day."

Iruka and Sasuke stepped in, bowing and murmuring perfectly respectful greetings. Naruto came right in and familarly hugged the most powerful woman in the Fire Nation. "Oi, baa-chan, haven't seen you in a while," Naruto said, grinning broadly.

A perfectly manicured hand came up and precisely flicked an index finger at Naruto's forehead. The boy staggered backward under the gentle-appearing blow and lost his grip on the apparently-young woman. "Manners, boy," Tsunade murmured, before reaching out to tousle spiked blond hair. Undetered by her gruffness, Naruto grinned at her, and Tsunade grinned back.

"Kakashi-sensei, why are you here?" Sasuke said out of nowhere. Both Naruto and Iruka turned to face the window Sasuke faced (chakra-infused glass made them as strong as concrete, murmured that warlike corner of Iruka's brain), and sure enough, there stood the famously infamous (or infamously famous) Copy-Ninja, looking relaxed as he slouched against the (one-way) window.

"To see the show, of course," Kakashi drawled, the words coming out slowly. Getting words and explanations out of him, Iruka knew, was like having to constantly coax a cat to come one step closer from a distance of fifty feet away.

"The show?" Iruka said in confusion, turning to Naruto. "Is this the surprise you were going to show me?"

"Sure is, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto fox-grinned at him. "I created a new jutsu!"

Iruka's response was predictable. "You did? Oh, wow, Naruto, that's great!" Pause. Intake of breath. Regroup. Faint beginnings of suspicion. "What does it do?"

"I helped in its creation, Iruka-sensei," Sasuke said, taking up the verbal ball. Iruka felt the need to mentally regroup again. He thought he had heard Sasuke speak more in this one day than he had for the entire time he had known him. "What it does is create a mind-block in the subject to prevent them from even considering lying. We figured it would be more helpful and less harmful to the subject in interrogation."

Iruka then smiled warmly and gave out more praise where it was due. "Excellent job to you as well, Sasuke-kun." Another pause. The suspicion grew. "You did test it, right?"

"On a few people," Naruto said. "We thought you'd like to try it out for yourself as a subject!"

"Oh, no, now Naruto, that's not a good idea-" Iruka started to say, panicking for a brief moment and holding his arms out.

"Don't worry, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi said in that peculiar slow speech. "It doesn't hurt, but it can feel pretty odd."

The jounin's vote of confidence about having undergone this mysterious jutsu didn't make Iruka feel at _all_ better.

"Sit down, Iruka-kun," Tsunade invited, holding out a chair for him, something Iruka dimly perceived as a great honor.

"I don't think I want-"

"Come on, it'll be fine," she urged. "You don't have anything to hide, do you?"

"No, but-"

"Then it's fine," Naruto said, starting to go through some seals. Iruka pulled his arms in and crossed them across his chest in a self-defense gesture that he knew was entirely futile.

Naruto completed the last seal, and looked expectantly at Iruka-sensei before speaking the final invocation, and the room suddenly exploded and filled with white smoke.

Coughing and several repeats of "kai" later, the smoke cleared enough for the two chuunin, the jounin and the Hokage to see the results of Naruto's truth-jutsu. The result they saw was completely out of expectation and caused several hands and bodies to go for weapons and defensive crouches.

Instead of simply seeing Umino Iruka, a woman of his approximate size and coloration stood next to the flummoxed-looking teacher. Kakashi moved toward Tsunade to defend her, though in this room she, as the most powerful shinobi there, was in the least danger of getting killed.

The confusion Naruto, Sasuke, Kakashi and Tsunade felt was mirrored on the faces of Iruka and the strange woman standing next to him. The woman and Iruka turned slowly to face each other, and each surreptitiously touched their respective faces in an eerily syncronized manner, drawing attention to something that all the ninja in the room had noted subconsciously.

The strange woman standing next to Iruka was, to their shock, precisely what Iruka would look like if he had been born a woman. Dark brown eyes darted away from the academy teacher in front of her to stare at the four people ready to attack, their shade an exact match for her male counterpart's. A horizontal scar crisscrossed her face over the bridge of her nose. Her tanned skin matched Iruka's. The only visible difference, aside from gender, was the fact that her dark brown hair was braided and lying against her back.

"You two, state your name and rank," Tsunade said sternly, edging around Kakashi's protective stance. "NOW."

The male Iruka straightened up and said, with a salute, "Umino Iruka, chuunin."

The woman also straightened and saluted. "Umino Iruka, _jounin_."

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That was chapter one. Please review and tell me what you think! I believe this story will be about 7-10 chapters long, and it's already plotted out inside my head.


	2. The Aftermath

Forging bravely ahead in the story; our intrepid heroes theorize about the unexpected arrival.

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Chapter Two: The Aftermath

Hatake Kakashi could not help but notice that, even after the smoke, the confusion, and the protestations, the paperwork that the young academy teacher had kindly taken from Shizune upon entering the room was still clutched tightly and unconsciously in one hand.

If Iruka-san's hands sweated anything like what Kakashi's did, he wouldn't place bets on the legibility of the documents at this point.

Heads whipped toward the woman-_female Iruka_, Kakashi reminded himself-in shock. Seeing the familiar features on a woman's face was odd. Male-Iruka was a handsome man, Kakashi knew, but some might say his face bordered on the pretty instead of the masculine. This female Iruka, instead of being lovely in the female sense, might more appropriately be called a handsome woman instead of a pretty one.

Kakashi had to forcibly call upon his training to keep an entirely inappropriate chuckle from escaping his masked lips.

"You both can't be Umino Iruka," Tsunade-sama said in what Kakashi had privately dubbed her control voice. "I will give you three seconds to dispel this jutsu or whatever it is before you will be attacked."

"Hokage-sama, wait!" Both the male and female Iruka yelled. They turned toward each other, looking surprised. Kakashi couldn't blame them. Hearing such similar voices designated only by gender was a bit of a mind-fuck.

The male Iruka (the real one, Kakashi reminded himself, until further notice) gestured politely to the female Iruka in an oddly chivalrous gesture. Kakashi couldn't prevent the slightly hysterical grin from curving his mouth, but he was more grateful than ever to the mask he wore for concealing it. Despite his amusement, he prepared to attack. Something here was clearly not right.

"I am your loyal jounin, Hokage-sama," the female Iruka proclaimed, hands moving slowly and in plain sight. Before their eyes, she disarmed herself of her weapons pouch, several kunai, some senbon, and several pouches of exploding tags. Kakashi, while watching her carefully for any sign of attack, also noted and attempted to remember the various locations where she had stashed her equipment. Whoever she proclaimed to be, she clearly had several unique places of concealment he hadn't considered before.

Having completed the disarming process, the female Iruka fell to her knees and gave the bow one only afforded the emperor. Kakashi winced, and saw Naruto and Sasuke do the same out of the corner of his eye. While a supreme gesture of respect, this position left the person entirely open to several forms of fatal attack, without any actual defense.

She spoke from that position, voice muffled but sounding sincere. "Hokage-sama, I cannot account for the current goings-on, but I would _never_ attack you upon pain of death."

Kakashi winced. He had heard the male Iruka (chuunin Iruka, he noted) speak formally to the Hokage before in public, and it had sounded exactly like this.

Chuunin Iruka then set the papers down and cautiously made his way over to where the Hokage, Kakashi, and his former students stood. He faced his female counterpart with confusion and, Kakashi was surprised to note, a faint bit of amusement. "Naruto, I hope your jutsu didn't do this when you tested it earlier," he said wryly.

The female Iruka looked up from her prostration. "Jutsu? I'm under a jutsu?"

"Er, yeah, Iruka-er, Umino-san," Naruto said, looking more confused by the second.

"So formal, Naruto-kun?" The lady jounin (now Umino-san) said in confusion. She then seemed to take a closer look at the blond. "Naruto-kun...you look so different."

"How would you know what I looked like before?" Naruto snapped, holding his kunai out and ready.

It was now Umino-san's turn to look confused. "I taught you at the academy and you don't remember your own sensei?" She asked in disbelief.

"You didn't teach me!" Naruto growled. "Iruka-sensei did!"

"But I _AM_ Iruka!" Umino-san cried. "Please, you must believe me!"

"That jutsu," Sasuke said, apropos of nothing.

Four sets of eyes (and one grey) turned to look at the black-haired Uchiha.

"I'll cast the truth jutsu this time," he clarified, for the benefit of those listening. "I don't think the moron here messed up-"

"Oi!" The blond in question interrupted indignantly.

"-but we can at least eliminate the possibility," Sasuke finished.

"Realize, lady jounin, we are not asking your permission for this," Tsunade said ominously. "You will not fight us, or we will kill you. Do you understand?"

"I understand, Hokage-sama," Umino-san said shakily, pushing herself up to sit upon her feet. Mentally, Kakashi approved. If she sat like that, it would make it extremely difficult to leap and do things quickly, due both to her own weight pinning her down and the cutting off of blood flow to her feet. Another show of trust and goodwill from this mysterious person.

Seals and invocations were spoken, and like the time when Kakashi had allowed the jutsu to be cast upon him, there was a soft green glow that settled gently around the jounin's body and sank in. It would tickle oddly a bit at first, Kakashi knew, but then the feeling would disappear.

The woman (Umino-san for now, Kakashi supposed), twitched a bit when the glow touched her, which made for an uneasy moment where several people tensed to attack and held themselves forcibly back, but then she relaxed.

"Ask her any question, Tsunade-sama," Sasuke said. "The only way she can avoid answering truthfully now is if she doesn't speak, and you can limit that by what you ask."

Tsunade-sama nodded and gently stepped away from her loyal band of shinobi. She eyed the sitting jounin thoughtfully for a moment before speaking. "What is your name and rank?"

Umino-san looked up hopefully. "I am Umino Iruka, a jounin of Konoha."

Everyone in the room blinked. She hadn't been lying or she couldn't have spoken.

"What is your occupation?" Tsunade-sama had recovered from her surprise marginally faster than Kakashi had.

"I teach at the academy, Hokage-sama."

Another pause.

"Where did you come from?"

Kakashi approved even as he cringed a little awaiting the answer.

Umino-san on the floor looked oddly at the male chuunin-Iruka standing silently and protectively near his former students, then answered. "I was grading papers when I was suddenly transported here, Hokage-sama. I was in my home at the time, sitting at the kitchen table."

These were verifiable habits she was giving them. Actual pieces of her life. Kakashi was beginning to think some very strange things.

"And you taught Naruto at the academy?"

"I certainly did, Hokage-sama," Umino-san affirmed. She cast another puzzled glance toward Naruto. "I haven't seen him for a while. He looks very different. For that matter, so does Sasuke-kun." She gave a proud smile, so like the one Kakashi had seen the male Iruka give Naruto and Sasuke earlier that he had to shake off the chills. "You two have grown up so well, and I am so very happy to have been your teacher."

Tsunade was frowning visibly now. Doubtless she knew, as Kakashi knew, that while a person could theoretically stop talking to thwart the jutsu and cause the interrogator to resort to techniques of a more violent and questionable nature, nothing stopped the person from talking. Even more frightening, the jutsu blocked lies from even being able to form in the brain, so if the person did speak, every word was truth.

This female Iruka had not lied once. Was not even capable of attempting to lie once. Even doubting the fact that she was not who she said she was was impossible due to the jutsu in question. The only real question now was the actuality of situation and how two different people named Umino Iruka could look enough like each other to be twins, have the same job, know the same people, and yet not know of the other.

"You are indeed a loyal shinobi of Konoha," Tsunade said shakily as Kakashi wrapped his mind around the possibility. "Your appearance has, er, Umino-san, caused some confusion, and I apologize for the awkwardness."

"I understand completely, Hokage-sama," Umino-san said, not getting up. Kakashi sensed it was on purpose, a way to allow the Hokage to trust her. "It is indeed confusing to see, well, me standing there." She slowly and carefully gestured toward the male Iruka, who had stared silently through all the questioning.

"I can't say I quite comprehend how she appeared, Hokage-sama," Iruka-san said hesitantly. "It doesn't look like a henge, or a clone, or anything, and we were all dispelling jutsu earlier when the smoke appeared."

"He's right," Naruto said. "Anything created would have disappeared..."

"So how did this, er, Umino-san appear?" Sasuke finished.

Apparently that hesitation with how to name the female jounin in question was not limited to the Hokage, Kakashi noted silently. He decided to voice his opinion.

"Excuse me, Hokage-sama," he interjected politely. "But what if she is and isn't our Iruka-sensei, all at the same time?"

"What?" The male and female Iruka said sharply and in unison. Every person in the room jerked a little at the stereo effect.

"Explain, Kakashi," Tsunade ordered. "The jutsu may have worked, but we are now operating with more questions than answers."

Kakashi stepped closer to the female jounin (Umino-san, dammit) in a show of trust, and laid a hand on her shoulder. "It's simple, probably," he drawled. "Naruto probably messed up the jutsu and summoned her."

"Kakashi-sensei, I didn't do that!" Naruto bellowed. "You saw that I didn't mess up the seals!"

"Maybe you didn't, but what about the invocation?" Kakashi replied calmly, not rising to the provocation. "If even one word or one syllable was off, that would change the entire meaning of the seals and the rest."

Kakashi looked down at Umino-san, a woman who taught at the academy, like their Iruka-sensei...but of a different rank, a different gender. Perhaps even a different life. He finally voiced the niggling suspicion he had since she had answered the question about her name. "What if you summoned her from another world, one like this one? You have enough chakra, and you already have summons."

Umino-san looked perplexed, and Iruka-san looked like he suspected the jounin of taking drugs. Kakashi decided to bring up his final point quickly. "You must have plucked her from her world, and brought her here, into a situation like hers enough to be familiar, but different in minute particulars. Like rank-"

"And gender, clearly," Iruka-san muttered, staring at his female counterpart in confused fascination.

"Exactly," Kakashi concluded. "Whatever we decide in the future, we at least can figure that she's real. I think the main question now would be how to send her back."

A small silence.

"With all due respect, Kakashi-san," Iruka-san (the male one, Kakashi reminded himself; he wondered if it was going to continue being so difficult to differentiate between the two) said, "Naruto could not have possibly used enough chakra to pull someone out of an entirely different world."

The female Iruka nodded in agreement. "My counterpart is probably correct," she added, as extra insult to injury. Dammit, the jounin had been _proud_ of his theory...

"I sure wasn't, Kakashi-sensei," the aforementioned chakra-rich blond chimed in. "But whatever the hell happened-"

"Language, Naruto!" Stereo voices roared.

"Gack! Sorry, sensei!" Naruto squeaked, then looked supremely confused as to which sensei in particular he should direct his apology.

He forged on anyway. "Maybe we had better treat that idea as fact until someone tells us otherwise."

"Then do so," said Tsunade-sama irritably. "Shizune will see you all out, including you, lady jounin. You are to say within sight of the male Iruka and Kakashi-san until further notice. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama," Umino-san said softly. "I will."

In a much shorter amount of time than it had taken to get in, Sasuke, Naruto, Kakashi, and the two Iruka-sensei stood at the foot of Hokage Tower, looking out into the bright sunlight in strained silence.

Naruto, predictably enough, broke the awkwardness first. "So, who's feeling like having some dinner?"

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Thank God for Naruto. Intelligent enough to know when an ice-breaker is needed, and blithe enough to make it sound like the most commonplace idea in the world. Please, review and tell me what you think!


	3. The Affected

Luckily for me, this story seems to just want to flow out of my fingers. Here, we have dinner, we have questions, and we potentially have a few answers. However, there is still quite a bit more to go.

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Chapter Three: The Affected

Iruka could easily remember having had dinners more unpleasant that this one. He clearly remembered the time during his childhood where his parents had come home to him cooking them a meal. In Iruka's defense, he had known they had both been on missions and would be tired, so having dinner ready for them was him being thoughtful. He loved his parents, after all, and wanted to make things as easy on them as they could. Iruka was conscientious that way.

At the time, child Iruka had not taken into account the fact that his parents, stressed and exhausted, might not have wanted to come home to a kitchen that, save their timely intervention, might have exploded, taking their small son with it.

Iruka still blushed at the memory of that dinner. This dinner was currently making its way to stand near the childhood cooking incident as the Most Awkward Situation _Ever_.

Sasuke and Naruto weren't even pretending not to stare as the woman-him (Umino-san) sat down across from them in the small curved booth at the barbeque place (Naruto had wanted ramen, but had gotten shot down by Kakashi-san and Sasuke before he could even finish the suggestion). He admitted to being fascinated himself. It wasn't every day that you got a clear look at the person you could have been if you were born the other sex.

Not even realizing he was staring as shamelessly as his former pupils, Iruka examined the female-him (who he was going to have to remember to call Umino-san, or continue to _seriously_ wreck his mindspace). He felt, rather than saw, Kakashi-san take a seat next to him. Umino-san stared back at him, and Iruka could not help but note how easy it was to point out corresponding features in his female-_Umino-san's_-face. The scar was there, of course, and the skin tone, and his eyes, but he didn't think he had those cheekbones, or that delicately shaped jaw. He didn't think he had eyelashes that long.

He _definitely_ didn't have those breasts.

That was probably what was messing with him the most. Umino-san was exactly as tall as he was, and built on a very similar scale, but those breasts and curves kept throwing him off. Should this woman bind her chest and turn up her collar, Iruka was very well aware that from the front or back, she was nearly his twin. And had lovely breasts. Also a lovely body.

He really, _really_ wished he hadn't noted that this woman who resembled him so closely was attractive. If nothing else about this day was strange, the fact that he was, in essence, checking himself out would have him on the floor in a ball, blushing and rocking back and forth.

"This is very strange," Umino-san murmured. God, her voice was almost exactly like his too!

"Quite," Iruka replied, feeling dazed.

"It's like looking into a warped mirror, isn't it?"

Iruka smiled a little. "I feel that way exactly, yes."

"Please stop that," Kakashi-san said, sounding strangled. "Seeing you have a conversation with yourself is just wrong, somehow."

"Not like I can help the situation," Umino-san snapped at him, and Iruka was again blindsided at the way she looked when annoyed. Save for the slightly more delicate features, it was precisely how he looked when presented with something stupid.

"It's certainly not her fault that she is here, Kakashi-san," Iruka defended her, feeling the situation slowly slipping out of his hands. "If it weren't for that jutsu-"

"Which we still aren't sure was actually the cause," Sasuke interjected softly, picking up a menu and fiddling with it.

"-the probability of her being her would have been next to zero," Iruka finished, glaring (but gently) at the young Uchiha.

"I'm still not even sure how the jutsu could have messed up like that," Naruto said, also picking up a menu and glancing at the contents. "I checked with Sasuke-teme, I checked with Tsunade-baa-chan, and I practiced at home!"

"Which only goes to show you that you really can't do things by yourself, idiot," Sasuke murmured.

"Would have liked to see you do better, bastard," Naruto sniped.

"Behave yourselves!" Iruka and Umino-san snapped. At the same exact time. Iruka felt himself pale just as he saw his female counterpart do the same.

Kakashi-san groaned and looked down at the table, while Naruto and Sasuke glanced back and forth between the two academy teachers like they'd seen a ghost.

"I'm going to have nightmares about this. I can tell," Kakashi said mildly, rubbing his exposed eye.

"You're one to talk," Umino-san sniffed, finally taking up her menu with a grace Iruka felt pretty sure he didn't have. "I'd like to see you keep your composure when taken from your home, only to be faced with people who are very clearly contemplating killing you."

"Reminds me of last week's mission, actually," drawled the Copy-Nin in response.

"Please, Kakashi-san, Umino-san," Iruka intervened (and if the evening couldn't have grown stranger, now he was essentially trying to keep peace between Kakashi-san and _himself_), "this is supposed to be a pleasant meal." He paused. "Somehow."

"This definitely rates up there on the weird-scale," Naruto said, looking around for someone to take their order.

"Umino-san," Kakashi said, looking toward the lady jounin. "Do you often go on missions, then? You don't seem like you take well to surprises like this."

"I doubt anyone could possibly react well in this kind of situation," Umino-san said, defiantly tossing her head. Iruka winced at the gesture, and actively started wondering if all his body-mannerisms looked as feminine as hers. "But no, I rarely go on missions. Hokage-sama has not sent me out in recent memory."

Iruka frowned, suddenly struck with a thought. "Naruto, how long does this truth-jutsu thing last?"

"If not deactivated, about two days," Naruto replied. Having given up on subtlety, he was now overtly trying to flag down a waiter. "Sasuke hasn't, though."

"Naturally not," said the black-haired chuunin. "Tsunade-sama didn't order me to release it, and I would rather observe this woman to ensure she does not pose a threat."

"A wise decision, Sasuke-kun," Umino-san said warmly. "I would have done the same. I was right to be proud of you." And then she smiled at him.

Iruka felt like crawling under the table in mortification. Did he really look like that when he smiled? So..._so_...

"So odd," Kakashi-san muttered, probably not wanting to be heard. Iruka started a little, then grabbed onto the tail end of his dignity and joined Naruto in flagging down a waiter. Any longer of a wait and more mortifying realizations about how he possibly looked to others didn't sound any more appealing than the barbeque, but at least then everyone would have a full mouth and a reason to keep it shut.

Finally, a waiter came. In his current and rather uncharitable state of mind, Iruka thought it was probably so that they didn't disturb the other diners (who were, Iruka thought resentfully, too busy trying to see the commotion at their table to bother eating) rather than out of a desire to serve them or even make a profit. He felt a little more revived when glasses of cold water were set before their group, the waiter only glanced curiously at Umino-san sitting serenly beside Naruto and across from Iruka himself instead of the blatant stare he expected, and their orders were taken without ado.

There were a blissful few moments of quiet, where Iruka sipped the cool liquid, surprised to find himself so thirsty, and found his dining partners doing the same. He almost forgot about the disturbance (that happened to have a bust) until Kakashi-san spoke again. "So, Umino-san," Kakashi-san said in a bored tone of voice, "when did you become a jounin?"

Iruka choked a little on his water, and glanced toward Kakashi's glass to find it completely empty. He wondered when that happened, or more, he wondered how it happened within the few seconds he had looked away. The disturbingly similar expression on Umino-san's face did not comfort him either.

"It must have been a few years ago, at least," she replied, with a glance at Iruka. "I realized I would be of even more use to the Hokage as a jounin, and so I took the exam and passed."

"But you said you didn't go out on many missions," Sasuke said, picking up the conversational ball.

"True, but since the war with Otogakure, we have been shorthanded." Umino-san picked up her water and drank some more. A few drops of water slid down the outside of the glass to fall onto the table, and the waiter, previously so unhelpful, came by to whisk a full pitcher of ice water onto the table, along with some coasters. She refilled her glass and everyone's glasses without asking, making the process somehow look like a formal tea ceremony. "In part, I offer some extra security to my students in being a jounin, in the eyes of their parents."

"There's nothing wrong with being a chuunin," Iruka said more sharply than he'd intended.

Umino-san looked at him somberly. "I know that, and you know that," she said to him, and suddenly, instead of feeling like looking through a warped mirror, Iruka finally saw himself, his personality, inside the woman sitting across the table.

"More, the Hokage herself had to convince me of the reasons for doing so," Umino-san continued, toying a little with her glass. "Even now, having a few extra skills I didn't have before doesn't seem useful except when I'm on missions. I'd rather be teaching."

Iruka smiled at that, and started feeling warmth toward her for the first time. "That, I can understand," he said, glancing at her with fellow-feeling.

"Oh stop that," Naruto muttered with some desperation. "That's just so weird..."

"Naruto," Umino-san and Iruka said warningly. At the same time.

"Gah!"

"While I'm so glad you two have found more common ground that your faces," Kakashi said wryly, "I still have some questions for Umino-san here."

"I won't stop you from asking, Hatake-san," Umino-san replied amiably. "Ask what you will, and I'll answer what I can."

"Very well," Kakashi-san said. "Do you have any special duties to the Hokage?"

Umino-san at first looked surprised, then resolutely tightened her mouth into a thin line. The silence continued for several moments while Kakashi-san looked at her with a small bit of suspicion glinting in his eye.

"Can't answer that, Umino-san?" Sasuke asked, leaning forward from the curve of the table. "You're not doing anything dubious, are you?"

"No!" She practically yelled, then made a visible effort to calm herself when their table started getting a greater number of curious stares. She shook her head. "Hatake-san, I am sorry, but that's one of the questions I'm not allowed to answer," she said in a quieter tone of voice. "Ask me something else."

Just then, the waiter, bearing a large platter and a collection of steaming plates atop it, arrived and began distributing their meals. Iruka, though feeling more comfortable with the situation at large, couldn't help but feel disturbed again when he realized that he and Umino-san had gotten the exact same meal of grilled beef, green beans and onions. Naruto, in the absence of his beloved ramen, had gotten grilled lamb with rice and a spicy sauce with vegetables. Sasuke had opted for a simple mixed grill. Kakashi had gotten a bowl full of rice, tofu and vegetables with a lurid red sauce.

Iruka was happy with the arrival of food, and even felt he would be able to keep it down, an improved alternative to before. He looked down and smelled the food, noticing distantly that Umino-san was doing the same thing, and pointedly, he ignored the disturbed whispers of Naruto and Sasuke. When he looked for his eating implements, he saw that Kakashi-san's bowl, in the time he had taken to savor the smell of his dinner, had completely devoured his.

"Do you have some kind of jutsu going that allows you to eat piping hot food that fast without burning yourself?" Umino-san asked incredulously. Iruka stifled a chuckle at the impertinent question. He had wanted to ask that very same thing.

"Nah, just years of practice," Kakashi-san said, delicately laying a hand across his stomach.

"I hope you tasted it, at least," Iruka ventured, digging into his own meal at a more decorous pace.

"Iruka-sensei, you two shouldn't double-team him like that," Naruto said seriously and out of the blue. "It's making him nervous, and it's not very nice."

Iruka couldn't detect any signs of perturbation on the masked jounin, but he supposed Naruto knew better, so he offered an apologetic smile to his right. "Sorry, Kakashi-san."

"My apologies, Hatake-san."

Iruka looked at his female counterpart, and sighed at his two former pupils wincing. The corner of his eye discretely caught Kakashi-san doing the same thing. He sighed again. It wasn't as if he and Umino-san were doing this on _purpose_.

"Well, getting verbally attacked by an attractive set of twins has always been on my list of things to do before I die," Kakashi said, still sounding bored, but with a slight note of teasing in his voice that hadn't been present before.

Iruka closed his eyes, blushed, and sighed again, deliberately not opening them again to see Umino-san undoubtedly doing the same thing. The dinner had descended back into the awkward stage again, and this time, he doubted it would be so kind as to crawl back out again, for even a while.

He hated it, sometimes, when he was right.

The entire meal was peppered with questions at Umino-san, most asked by Kakashi-san, some asked by Naruto and Sasuke. Most had to do with her daily life, grading and teaching habits (Iruka had had to bite his lip and keep from smiling and take a few notes on how she punished misbehaving students) and other harmless topics. It was when Kakashi-san asked her the more serious questions pertaining to training, her teachers, and other things that made Iruka feel more disturbed than he already was. Those weren't questions that Kakashi-san had the right to ask (and shouldn't have asked, considering how secretive some ninja were about their techniques, and rightfully so), but Umino-san, probably realizing that she needed to earn his trust, answered anyway.

More, the details virtually didn't vary from his life. _At all_.

The meal ended and, to his surprise, Kakashi-san paid for all of them, even Sasuke (who grunted in appreciation) and Naruto (who thanked him after suspiciously asking if someone had hit him on the head recently). Iruka and Umino-san both offered to pay him back at their earliest convenience. Kakashi-san waved off all offers of gratitude. "It's nothing, Iruka-san, Umino-san," he said, ignoring his students. "It's not often a mystery like this happens to fall into my lap. So, to your place?"

"Excuse me?" Iruka asked, not believing he'd heard right.

"Your place," Kakashi-san repeated, more slowly and with a glint in his eye that Iruka did not like at all. He gestured toward Umino-san, who was looking about as disturbed as Iruka felt. "I still don't trust her, and since you seem to be the root cause of all this, it'd be easier for you to host us until we reach an agreement about what to do."

Iruka didn't even try to argue. He was already tired from the day and the meal he had just eaten sat in a stomach that wanted to rebel. Quietly acknowledging Sasuke's and Naruto's farewells, he and Umino-san fell into step on either side of the jounin and walked toward Iruka's apartment. The walk was entirely silent. Possibly his two unwanted companions were as tired by the day as Iruka. Either way, a few minutes brought them to Iruka's modest home, where he undid the wards and unlocked the door, gesturing them to enter.

The one room apartment stared back at him, almost mockingly. He had a couch, a reclining chair, and a small kitchen table where he'd left some of his to-be-graded papers. A few decorative knick-knacks hung on the white walls. Often, he didn't see his home unless he was ready to sleep, but it was far too small for three people for any extended length of time. Tiredly, he gathered some of his clothing from his bedroom, brought them to the living room, then got out spare linens from the small closet near the bathroom.

"Umino-san can take my bed," he said. "Kakashi-san, you can have the couch. I'll take the chair."

"That can't be comfortable," Umino-san protested. Iruka didn't fail to notice that Kakashi didn't raise a token protest, but couldn't bring himself to care. He'd have his revenge on the jounin's impositions when he tried to sleep on that couch. He was fairly certain that the couch had been an attempt by Ibiki-san and his cohorts to create furniture.

"I'll be fine," Iruka said instead. "Please, sleep well."

Besides, considering the way the day had gone, Iruka didn't anticipate his night to be filled with restful sleep. He got everything ready for his two unexpected houseguests, undressed himself except for his standard issue underwear, then went to his kitchen to extract his prized bottle of antacids, praying both that he wouldn't have to use them and that his stomach wouldn't punish him for today's stress during the night. He sat in the chair, pulled the lever so it would recline, and attempted to relax, not paying attention to Kakashi and presumably Umino-san going through similar rituals.

Despite himself, his eyes slid shut with the optomistic thought that tomorrow would, by the law of averages, have to be better than today. Or else.

* * *

That was a bit of a beast of a chapter, and a meal I definitely wouldn't have wanted to sit through. I think, under the circumstances, Iruka has far more patience than I would. Any questions or concerns, please feel free to review and tell me what you're thinking!


	4. The Altercation

Wow, I have reviews and reviewers! Thank you so much for your kind commentary! I will attempt to live up to your expectations. I am having a great time writing this! In particular, I would like to call attention to Karma's Destiny, who posted an interesting question pertaining to Sasuke's and Naruto's ages in Umino-san's (female Iruka's) world. They are the same ages as in male-Iruka's world...if that helps.

Please enjoy this chapter! One would also like to mention that this chapter actually begins EARNING that M rating I posted for it, in the form of blood and violence.

* * *

Chapter Four: The Altercation

Kakashi was not going to sleep tonight. Not happening. No way, no how, no appeal to the gods.

It wasn't just Iruka-san's sofa, though simply sitting on it was somewhat torturous. He had tried lying upon it earlier and after a mere five minutes, sat up again with the beginnings of a horrible kink in his neck. In the back of his mind, Kakashi made a note to have Ibiki-san check the couch out to add to his interrogation techniques. It wasn't the fact that Iruka-san himself was sprawled out comfortably in what Kakashi now knew to be the one comfortable seat in the living room. Or the fact that Iruka-san snored.

The questions on his mind were driving him _insane._

It hadn't escaped Kakashi's notice earlier that Umino-san, the woman currently snoring on Iruka-san's bed (he'd checked earlier), hadn't directly answered several questions he, the Hokage, Sasuke and Naruto had asked earlier that day. Coming from one's house did not, in Kakashi's mind, answer the question of where one came from. Nor did her firm statements of working at the academy, or her training, or other things he could name; despite the truth jutsu, there seemed to be too many discrepancies. The only conclusion he could draw about that female version of the shirtless snoring lump was that, for all intents and purposes, she was exactly like Iruka-san. Except for those disturbingly perky breasts.

If he hadn't seen Iruka-san glance at the same area on his counterpart's body earlier, looking both somewhat interested and disturbed, he probably would have shut the entire mental image away deep in his subconscious. Somehow. The question would be if that later emerged as nightmare or fantasy.

Kakashi sighed, took hold of a maltreated-looking pillow, and attempted to shove it beneath his tailbone to cushion and protect it from the sharp spring trying to dig through to his spine. He squirmed around trying to get comfortable, and finally managed a position that allowed him to relax, if not to fall asleep, half reclined and mostly leaning on his right shoulder against the well-padded back of the couch.

He had removed his hitae-ate earlier this evening, and kept his sharingan eye shut in lieu of the cloth-cover he normally used when home. He couldn't fault Iruka-san his hospitality on such short notice (even if he had managed to trick Kakashi into attempting to permanently ruin his posture), but he understood that Iruka-san would probably not have had an idea what to do for him in that regard.

Kakashi took a deep breath or two from his twisted position, and focused on the far wall, trying to relax further into sleep. The whir of a slow-moving ceiling fan intruded on his hearing. The school papers on the table Kakashi had noted earlier flapped slightly in the artificial breeze, kept from flying around due to the red pen holding them in place. The soft, somewhat adorable sounds Iruka-san and Umino-san (who appeared to be a somewhat louder snorer than the male version) were making blended together.

Kakashi had, for as long as he could remember, always catalogued sounds before he slept. Though he doubted he would reach that state tonight, finally being in a comfortable position for the first time that day caused him to go through his nightly ritual anyway. It was important for a shinobi to do that, to be able to discern normal noises from the abnormal, his sensei had taught him. The more familiar one was with the commonplace, the easier it would be to aurally pinpoint the abnormalities and react accordingly. Once he had managed to identify all the noises in this new location, Kakashi allowed himself a breath of a sigh, and continued to think.

Unfortunately, due to that stupid jutsu, everything Umino-san had told him today was fact. _Everything_. Prevaricating on the truth was still the truth, after all, and lies couldn't pass her lips while the jutsu was active. Kakashi still remembered the disturbing feeling of the jutsu on himself. Not being able to lie had been _horrifying_. He was glad, though, that his students hadn't seen fit to ask him anything he didn't want to answer. Some things were better left unsaid.

But being able to simply speak the truth like that? Umino-san hadn't paused, hadn't even attempted misdirection. As she had proved earlier today, she would simply say when she was not allowed to answer a question, and leave it there.

...hold on a moment. "Not allowed" to answer? Who _prevented_ her from answering? Why wouldn't she be able to answer? Kakashi knew that she had not been able to say if she had any special duties to the Hokage, but not answering that question was almost the same as answering it. The chances of that answer being a yes or a no were fifty-fifty. Assuming she did, she would have been forbidden by the Hokage from answering anyway. Assuming she didn't, well, perhaps a personal reason had been involved.

Kakashi attempted to stretch his back, only to feel that accursed spring in the arm of the couch once again try to separate his back from his pelvis. He thought he saw Iruka-san smile briefly in his sleep. Sneaky bastard. Once Kakashi figured everything out about this whole situation, he swore that he would burn this couch. With earth-oil.

His thoughts returned to the potential special duties Umino-san had toward the Hokage. It was simpler, not to mention more in keeping with his natural paranoia, to assume that she did, in some unique way, do something special for the Hokage that he, former Anbu and current jounin-sensei, could not. Why not then reply with a "yes?" What kept her from giving something so small as a definite answer?

This thinking was beginning to give him a headache. Kakashi wasn't used to having brain-teasers thrust upon his awareness like this. Even through the pain, he couldn't help but feel exhilarated at the whole mystery of the situation. Despite the way it was making him feel crazy. He again took a deep breath, careful not to let the couch attack him again, and decided to remember everything from the beginning.

Iruka-san had been in the room, holding that armful of papers he had taken from Shizune-san. He remembered that clearly. Iruka-san had then tried to wave off the jutsu using said paper; amusing, but useless. That was clear too. Once Naruto had made the final sign and completed the invocation, that jutsu smoke, herald of an unsuccessful release of chakra, appeared to drown them all in clouds of toxic fluffy white. It had been impossible to sense anything going on while that smoke was in the air, so they all, at intervals, were attemping to dismiss potential hostile jutsu and the smoke at the same time. The universal "kai" would do that, but only if the user's chakra was strong enough to actually begin the dispersal. In the end, none of them had any way of knowing whose "kai" had been the strongest of all.

And then, there was Umino-san, standing among them looking as perplexed as they all felt.

Kakashi ground his teeth a little and reached up to tug and reposition his mask a little. There wasn't a connection between the two events! He needed a connection. There had to be one. Had to. Where was it?

He shut his normal eye, trying to concentrate, feeling as though if he pushed a little bit more, some process in his brain would trip and there would be an answer, magical, perfect, and utterly faultless-

-only to hear a loud explosion instead. At nearly the same instant, he and Iruka-san were on their feet and prepared to attack. Kakashi couldn't help but note that while Iruka-san's current outfit certainly hadn't held kunai before, he was holding one now. Probably stashed one away in that little table beside the recliner. That was what Kakashi had done in his own home. He pulled a weapon out of his weapons holster (which he never took off except when sleeping in his own trap-secured domain) and heard footsteps rushing out to join them in the living room. Umino-san, as fully dressed as when she had gone to sleep, braid somewhat askew, looked at Iruka-san, then at him.

"Situation?" She asked sharply.

"Uncertain, explosion heard," Iruka-san replied, sounding like the shinobi he was, instead of the normal school-teacher tone.

"Possibly near Hokage Tower," Kakashi said, having pinpointed the noise after his initial startlement and inbred reaction.

Iruka-san gulped, and Umino-san just looked angry. Faster than Kakashi would have had any right to expect, Iruka-san was dressed and his hair was up and battle-ready. "We have to get to the Hokage," he said, looking determined.

Just then, another explosion happened, this one somewhat closer at hand. Iruka-san, who had looked steady enough before, suddenly paled. "Gods, that's the academy!" He choked out. Umino-san looked as frightened as he did, and Kakashi grasped control himself before he allowed all three of them to panic.

"Iruka-san, go to the school, assess damages," he ordered, striving for a stern calm in his voice. "Umino-san, with me, and keep up. You are not to be out of my sight."

"Understood," both said simultaneously, and Kakashi rolled his normal eye even as he put his hitae-ate on and in its customary position. He then nodded to the two awaiting his command.

He gave it. "Go."

Iruka-san was out of sight in the next instant in a puff of teleporation smoke, and Umino-san dashed to the window and dove out, clearly expecting him to follow. Kakashi followed her out in a smooth dive-and-roll, and then they were leaping toward the rooftops, trying to get to Hokage Tower and find out what was going on.

-()()()-

Chaos. Madness.

Kakashi felt himself get angrier than he had been in a very long time. They were being _attacked._ Attacked by ninja of Sound, who they had defeated months before in what had seemed a decisive victory. He swore then and there that their previous victory was about to get a lot more decisive.

Umino-san had had no trouble keeping up with him on their way to the Hokage, though a few times she had dashed off to one side or the other without warning. Kakashi had followed her through those times, ready to reprimand her or put her under some form of restraining jutsu, only to find that she had diverted for the sake of the civilians. The Sound ninja were attacking everyone indiscriminantly, and each time she had gone away from him was to defend someone else.

He couldn't help but be impressed by her efficiency. The second time she had attacked a group of Sound ninja, she had tied two of them together with chakra thread, bashed one's head in with the hilt of her kunai, and managed to kick the fourth attacker's testicles forcibly back inside their torso, all in the first three seconds, and swiftly and mercifully killed them in the next two. She had then gently ushered the people she had rescued-a husband and wife couple and their two small children-into a nearby building and told them to barricade the door until the all-clear was given. As soon as they had obeyed her, she was back with him and making him keep up.

Grudgingly, Kakashi began to think that if he had to have a partner for this fiasco, she was about as good of one as he was likely to get.

He detoured this time, seeing two Sound-nin attempting an attack on a group of genin and their jounin-sensei. The jounin was doing a good job of defending for the time being, he saw, but he was hampered by having to protect the genin, who weren't good enough to give a fight. Kakashi could see that from here.

Umino-san had seen too. "Let's get them," she said tightly.

Kakashi didn't bother to answer with words. He attacked instead. A kunai flew from his hand to make a new home for itself in one of the Sound-nin's thighs. With a howl of pain, the injured man in question looked for the perpetrator of the assault, only to be immediately taken down by a kick-punch combination from Umino-san that would have had Maito Gai weeping tears of joy. The enemy landed on the ground, but was never given a chance to recover. Whipping a kunai out of her holster, Umino-san deliberately added the full weight of her body to the killing blow aimed at the heart, ensuring no healing jutsu his comrade could provide would work.

Kakashi hadn't bothered staying still while he watched her do that. Now the odds for the jounin-sensei and him getting the assailant taken down were much better. A tall man with a shock of redhair making him seem even taller, it was clear that he had some skill. Now that Kakashi was close enough, he could see the hitae-ate the enemy wore had a slash through the enblem. Kakashi cursed as he dodged three senbon aimed at his head, certain he had missed that detail before.

"They're missing-nin!" He hollered to whoever could hear, finally managed to get a strike to the enemy's body. He felt ribs snapping against his fist, and bared his teeth in an unseen, ferocious grin. The other jounin wasted no time and slashed the enemy-nin's throat just as Umino-san delivered her heart strike. They regrouped, panting slightly in bloodlust and exhaustion. The genin stayed alert, though they looked more frightened than battle-ready.

Kakashi opened his mouth, only to be beated by Umino-sensei. "They're not ready yet," she said with a significant glance down. "Take them to safety and guard them."

"Who are you to tell me-"

"Do what she says," Kakashi snapped. "Go now!"

Another explosion, the third of the night, cut through the night's battle cries. Disturbingly, the explosion seemed more immediate than the prior two, and it deafened him and probably everyone in the vicinity. The blast concussion almost pushed him off his feet. He could see smoke, but couldn't hear, the sounds of battle dimming, though his sight remained perfect-

He felt a hand on his sleeve that tapped, getting his attention without rousing his battle-reflexes. Umino-san faced him in near hysterics, screaming something over and over that he just wasn't hearing. He shook his head at her, and she grabbed his biceps and hauled his head closer to hers so she could scream in his ear.

_"THE TOWER!"_

Kakashi's blood ran cold. The tower was, aside from the official office of the Hokage and where she and her staff ran Konoha, the Hokage's personal home. If attacking ninja got in there-

Tsunade-sama was a powerful warrior and could easily handle several attackers, but as Kakashi knew to his sorrow, only one strike needed to hit home. That could not be allowed to happen. Could not. _COULD. NOT._

He tugged at Umino-san, not attempting to speak, and instead of starting to run again, ran through the hand-signs for teleportation, knowing there wasn't a moment to lose, needing to protect, _protectherprotectHokagesama-_

-and they were there in the Hokage's office. The tower was still standing, though the windows were all blown to hell and the glass dust was doubtless floating out on the night breezes to cause its own form of damage somewhere else. The Hokage herself was fighting her opponents. Normally, Kakashi would have just stood back and let them get themselves killed while appreciating the way Tsunade-sama's top would gape just so while she struck. Not today. Each hit, when it connected, sent missing-nin sailing back so hard Kakashi suspected them of being dead upon impact, but more kept coming to take the fallen's places.

Tsunade-sama, to his relief, wasn't fighting alone. Among her other skills, Shizune-san also served as Tsunade-sama's backup and bodyguard, though under the usual circumstances, the Hokage was about as hard to hit as an airborne senbon in a rainstorm.

With the Hokage and Shizune-san was an Anbu wearing a mask Kakashi had never seen before. The mask was red and white, as was traditional, but the eyeholes remained undecorated while the sole red portion depicted a mouth with far too many teeth.

The three Konoha shinobi stood with backs to each other, lashing out only so far as to protect the others and not expose their own blind sides. They were holding their own, but only just.

Kakashi had seen everything he needed to see. It was time to defend his Hokage. Almost as if they had reheared it thousands of times, he and Umino-san lunged forward to take out the principal person attacking the Hokage, a man wearing skintight spandex in brown and blue. The man whirled to defend himself from Kakashi's initial punch to the fact, only to leave himself open for a roundhouse from Umino-san that knocked the breath from him. The enemy staggered back to regain his position, but Kakshi mercilessly attacked his vulnerable sides with kunai-laden hands, trying to get a kidney shot.

The enemy successfully evaded the first two attempts with well-placed blows to Kakashi's forearms that made Kakashi hiss. However, the triumphant look was quick to fade when Umino-san ruthlessly plunged her kunai between the enemy's eyes while he was defending himself from Kakashi.

"You don't believe in toying with people much, do you?" Kakashi inquired mildly as he watched the dead enemy slide slackly off of Umino-san's blade. Dark blood and brain segments dripped from the black metal as it came free. He dimly noted that his hearing had returned enough to notice how loud the battle-sounds were.

"It's a waste of time and it doesn't serve a purpose," Umino-san replied tersely. "It's better to kill them fast and get moving so they can't hit you."

Kakashi inclined his head in an ironic nod. They joined Shizune-san and the strange Anbu in defending Hokage-sama.

Time wore on. Kakashi couldn't say how long it had been since he'd been attemping to get cozy on Iruka-san's torture device of a couch. Enemies kept coming up and being killed by him or the four other people guarding his back. In a battle lull, he finally managed to summon his ninken, who added to the cacophony of war with their barks and growls of rage.

Kakashi would later remember strange snippets of the battle that were disconnected from the actual events. He remembered seeing Shizune-san suddenly sporting a gash the length of her arm deep enough to see broken vessels and tendons, and the Hokage's enraged shriek as her friend was injured. He remembered seeing her hit the perpetrator of that wound so hard Kakashi swore he heard bone _disintegrate_ instead of merely break. He smelled the sharp tang of healing chakra, so different from the usual ozone smell of war-energies.

He worked with the unknown Anbu to kill more of the missing-nin and watched the way the man moved, like he was flowing instead of fighting, and how each strike against him managed to miss while his return blows, invariably, did not.

Umino-san had grabbed his shoulders, leaving a dangerous opening in their defensive position, to gain enough leverage to kick an enemy summons, a gigantic ferret, away from where it had been about to bite down into Tsunade-sama's leg. He supposed he should forgive her for breaking their line.

At some point in time, Kakashi became aware that there were no more enemies, though his dogs remained in defensive posture, ready to alert him if there was danger. Hokage-sama was being guarded by the Anbu Kakashi didn't know, while Shizune-san and Umino-san went around the room to ensure kills. With a small shrug, he took the typical defensive pose for Anbu units of two working in the field; he stood on the other side of the target, mirroring the defensive stance of his fellow.

A hand gently touched his shoulder. Glancing over it, he saw his Hokage look toward him and the Anbu. "Kakashi-kun, Shark-san, thank you, but I believe it is safe now," she said.

Shark. So that was the mysterious Anbu, realized. That explained the teeth.

The Anbu, Shark, nodded toward the Hokage, then made the field-signs for all-clear and sound, to Kakashi's surprise. Could the Anbu not speak?

"Yes, but stay here in the meantime," Tsunade-sama answered Shark's question. "I may need your and Kakashi-kun's protection."

Something flickered in Kakashi's mind at that point. "Iruka-san," he blurted out, maintaining his wary guard of his ruler. "He went to the academy to see if there were wounded or people gathering there-"

"Taken care of," Tsunade-sama said tightly. "I sent three Anbu teams there when I heard the first explosion and they'll report back in shortly. No buildings seem to have been taken out, so they must have been purely for distraction-"

Shark made several hand signs very quickly. Kakashi only caught the ones for missing-nin and takeover, but he thought he got the message.

"He's right," Umino-san said, returning to them. "They must have wanted to take this village for themselves."

"Base platform, maybe," Shizune-san said from her position searching one of the bodies. "They must have intended to rebuild and regroup here, to attack one of our allies."

Shark made the necessarily derogatory sign for idiots, then indicated that all allies were home.

Kakashi felt himself getting a little annoyed with the hand-signs. It had been ages since he'd had to use them in the field, though he mostly remembered how. "Can't you talk?" He demanded irritably. "We know it was stupid for them to attack us when no one was out on a mission, but signing that takes forever."

Instead of a verbal answer, Shark lifted his head. Blood had soaked into the pale cloth around Shark's throat, and ugly bruising was clearly visible through the tears. Tsunade-sama, seeing that, made a noise of dismay and immediately began summoning up healing chakra, glaring at her Anbu when he made as if to refuse her ministrations.

Throat injury. "Sorry," Kakashi offered. "You must have dodged that quick if it only nailed your vocal cords."

Shark signed 'yes', then 'lucky.'

Kakashi declined to ask if Shark himself or the presumably dead enemy had been the lucky one.

Just then, Iruka-san arrived, accompanied by two Anbu that typically guarded the entrance to the Hokage's office. He looked much the worse for wear, with several rips and tears in his clothing, dirt all over him, and his hair half out of his ponytail. He was alive, though, and Kakashi felt something inside him relax at the sight of the injured but obviously okay chuunin.

That relaxed feeling disappeared when he saw Umino-san greet and support her counterpart as he entered the room. There were still no answers there, and few to be had here.

Having finished healing Shark, Tsunade-sama stood and surveyed her loyal ninja. "Iruka, report," she ordered.

"Yes, Hokage-sama," two voices chimed.

Kakashi was rewarded with the sight of the Hokage at a loss for words and on the verge of a truly memorable headache. The three Anbu in the room all traded glances. She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Male Iruka," she clarified.

"Hokage-sama," Iruka-san said, straigtening. "The academy remains intact, and these two Anbu and I disposed of about ten missing-nin, all told. I left one alive and unable to form hand-signs tied up in a broom closet. No civilian injuries to report. There are a few traps that require someone with skill in earth-jutsu to unravel, though I can at least tell they are meant to cause earthquakes should they be triggered."

"And are you injured, Iruka-kun?"

"Nominal, Hokage-sama."

"Very well, then." Tsunade-sama pursed her lips and crossed her arms underneath her bosom. She sighed and shook her head. "Umino-san," she said, looking at the female Iruka, "you proved your loyalty tonight when you could have killed me faster than anyone could have reacted. I release you from guard."

Kakashi stood up slightly from surprise, but relaxed again. It was true, after all. It would have been easy to kill the Hokage in a battle like that and make it look as though someone else did it, and he knew that not only had Umino-san not done anything of the sort, but had interposed herself between the Hokage and harm several times tonight at risk of her life.

"Shark, take Umino-san and Iruka-san"-a wry humor twisted Tsunade-sama's mouth-"to the hospital to receive treatment. Anbu Lotus and Anbu Hawk, remain with me. Shizune, get me a damage and injury report. Kakashi, scout for me and see if there are any more missing-nin hiding out there. Dismissed."

Everyone murmured a respectful "Hokage-sama" and walked out, Umino-san and Iruka-san being watched over carefully by Shark. Kakashi saw them head toward the hospital, and shook his head. He had been minimally injured in the fight and was ready to do as his Hokage bade him. However, even as he called for his dogs and ran out of the Tower, the feeling that he had missed something significant during the fight nagged at him. He shook his head as he ran out of the tower. Perhaps he just needed another good fight to jog loose the connection.

He gave an indelicate, soft snort of derision as he ran. That, and perhaps pigs would fly.

* * *

I have always enjoyed writing battle scenes, though I believe I'm better writing single combat than mass groups attacking and defending. That was a beast of a chapter to write and check for continuity! I hope you have enjoyed it. As a special hint to people who like reading this, pay some extra attention to Umino-san and Shark. Please feel free to tell me what you think!


	5. The Appraisal

Thank you everyone for your kind reviews! I am truly overwhelmed and grateful to have your kind words and be added to your various favorites lists! Some of the inspiration is taken from real life without apology; my couch could probably be the model for Iruka's, though it doesn't have springs, being a futon. I consider myself lucky that I merely sit on it instead of use it for sleep! I feel like I was sweating really hard trying to make this chapter great, so I hope you enjoy!

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Chapter Five: The Appraisal

About the only think Iruka was currently thankful for right now was the fact that the hospital emergency room wasn't full. Aside from the implicit reason that not many people had been injured in the attack, it also meant that the number of people who would see him looking like something chewed up and regurgitated from the Kyuubi's mouth would be an absolute minimum.

He sat quietly with Umino-san (who, to his mild comfort, looked just as battle-weary as he did) and the Anbu called Shark, who stood ramrod straight and blood-smeared, healed by the Hokage herself, and clearly on his guard. The few people sitting in the waiting room hoping for treatment were not seriously injured, and thankfully, none were children. Rudimentary first-aid had been done on everyone or, regardless of his physical condition, Iruka would have been making his own amateur rounds. He knew Umino-san would join him. He wasn't quite as sure about Shark, though certainly the man would probably follow them around.

Iruka sighed. He didn't know what had triggered the sudden attack on Konoha by those missing-nin. The sound of the second explosion had him on the academy grounds just as fast as the jutsu could take him, and he still couldn't figure out a rhyme or reason for the assault. One of the things about the missing-nin that had not escaped his notice was how they all were from different villages. Among the few he had taken down himself, one had the slash through Sand's symbol, two had Mist, and others were a conglomeration of all the other villages. A part of him was perversely proud that he had not seen any missing-nin from Konoha.

Footsteps intruded on the mostly silent room, and a team of medic-nin came in to treat the wounded, who greeted them with glad cries. Iruka looked up, and he felt Umino-san do the same. A familar, pink head of hair turned in the center of that group of healers, and Iruka smiled wanely.

"Iruka-sensei!" Haruno Sakura exclaimed, looking both dismayed and pleased to see him. "Are you injure-" She stopped talking, looking with wide eyes at Umino-san seated demurely to his right. She blinked. Rubbed her eyes. Blinked again. Took a deep breath. "Iruka-sensei, if you're the one sitting here, then why do I feel like _I'm_ the one in need of medical attention?"

Shark, standing at attention, looked to the side. If that mask hadn't been set so firmly in place, Iruka was very sure he would see a man biting his lips to keep from laughing.

"Sakura-chan?" Umino-san said. "You've become so beautiful!"

Sakura blinked again. "Um, thank you..."

She sounded unsure, and considering the confusion of the past day and night, Iruka clued her in. "We've been calling her Umino-san, since we can't think of anything else." He paused a moment. "Even though it makes me feel like I'm introducing people to my mother."

"Okay," Sakura said, squaring her shoulders. "Then, thank you, Umino-san."

"I'm always happy to see one of my students doing so well," Umino-san beamed.

Since Sakura was looking more confused by the minute, and Iruka was fairly certain that everyone who needed a doctor had one, he stood up and walked over to her, patting her gently on the back. "Could you take us to an examination room?" He asked her. "I'm more or less okay, and so is Umino-san, and Shark-san here got healed by the Hokage, but if you could check us over, that would be great."

"Obeying Hokage-sama's orders would probably be in our best interests," Umino-san said grimly. "I saw what she did to people who hurt her people, and _I_ wouldn't want to be on the receiving end."

Shark-san flickered his hand for attention, then, to everyone's shock, made the signs signifying that the Hokage scared him when she was mad.

"Agreed!" Sakura said fervently. "Tsunade-shishou isn't someone to mess with." She gestured down a hallway. "If you three would follow me, then?"

Iruka, not without some theatrical moaning, stood from his chair, and with a similar performance, Umino-san copied him. Shark simply followed after them with the mild superiority of a man who hadn't stiffened up after the battle-energy faded.

Doors stood open in the corridor. Nurses, doctors, and medic-nin walked calmly inside the rooms to speak with patients. The mood surrounding the hospital was surprisingly temperate considering the recent attack, but Iruka supposed that several of the medic-nin who were attached to the hospital were going around the village providing aid, to stem the flow of people who would doubtless arrive when the sun came up. Despite all the excitement, Iruka was fully aware of the fact that he hadn't had a full night of rest, and from the expression on Umino-san's eerily similar face, she was feeling the strain as well.

Sakura, having finally reached a closed door, knocked on it with three brisk raps, then listened intently. Hearing nothing, she opened the door and ushered Iruka and his cohorts inside before entering and shutting the door behind her. The room contained a low bed, a draw-curtain standing open around it, some medical equipment, and the necessary sterile items needed for examination.

"Shark-san, I understand that you cannot remove your mask, but will you consent to other treatment after I see to these two?" Sakura asked politely.

Shark merely nodded, then signed "expected."

"I thought you'd be okay with that," Sakura murmured. "We'll start with, um, Umino-san. Please sit on the bed and remove your hitae-ate."

Umino-san, with a wary glance at Iruka and the silent Anbu, removed her hitae-ate (pulling several blood-crusted hairs off with it) and sat on the bed, assuming a slumped posture that spoke about how tired she really was. Ninja like her, like Iruka, like Kakashi-san and even Shark-san, would always be ready whenever the Hokage or her people called, but they were people themselves. Unfortunately, people got tired; particularly during stressful events. The events leading up to this point had been a far cry from relaxing.

Sakura did the usual routine checks. She recorded pulse rate, blood pressure, and checked for concussion and broken bones. She had Umino-san resist her pushing down on her arms to check for nerve damage, and made sure the kick-reflexes in her legs were working properly by tapping her knees with a soft mallet.

Having done all that, Sakura took a deep breath and made some seals. Glowing blue chakra appeared as a light mist around her hands as she lifted them toward a crusted-over scab on Umino-san's forehead that had been previously covered by the hitae-ate. Slowly, the scab faded and Umino-san looked a bit more comfortable.

Sakura, however, had whirled around to face Iruka and Shark-san. Her eyes, if possible, were wider than when she had seen Iruka sitting with Umino-san beside him. "Iruka-sensei, this doesn't make sense."

Iruka sighed. "I know it doesn't, Sakura," he replied. "I'm going to have to beg your indulgence while I explain this situation."

"That would be appreciated," she said shakily.

-()()()-

Sitting in front of the Hokage, the Anbu Shark standing next to her looking as dourly forbidding as an expressionlessly masked man could look, and with Umino-san sitting next to him, was a set of circumstances beginning to feel depressingly familiar to Iruka. He gave his Hokage a wry expression. "With all due respect, Tsunade-sama," he said, "we really _must_ stop meeting like this."

"If you hung out in my usual bar when I'm off for the evening, Iruka-kun, I doubt we would be having this problem," Tsunade-sama fired back, looking both amused and annoyed.

"That would ruin my reputation, I'm afraid," Iruka said ruefully. "People seem to think that we school teachers must be bastions of virtue, refusing all earthly pleasures."

"And none of them seem to think that occasionally having a drink is almost written in the job requirements," Umino-san chimed in.

Iruka chuckled, and saw Tsunade-sama smile. Lightening the mood was at least making him feel a bit more comfortable in her presence.

"Now then," Tsunade-sama said, sobering a little. "Sakura-chan has already told me what you've told her. I've ordered her not to spread it around, but in the meantime, try to keep it from going any farther."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," Iruka said formally.

"I will not tell either, Hokage-sama," Umino-san said also, bowing a little from her seat.

The Hokage rolled her eyes. "No offense intended, Umino-san, but I will be _extremely_ happy when you are no longer echoing Iruka-kun's words."

"It's not pleasant for us either, Hokage-sama," Umino-san replied calmly. "I trust this strange situation will shortly be dealt with to everyone's satisfaction."

Just then, there was a decorous patterned knock at the door, and the Hokage called out "come in!"

The doors, having been hastily repaired since the attack, swung inward by human force, not by chakra. The doors stopped moving only when the gap between then was wide enough to admit a head pushed through, and Shizune's head was the one to appear. "Hokage-sama, Kakashi-san, Naruto-kun and Sasuke-kun are here to see you."

"Allow them to enter, Shizune," the Hokage said, not bothering to stand up.

The doors continued their interruped incursion until the aforementioned three and Shizune had enough space to enter. All looked affected by the attack. Kakashi-san was noticeably limping slightly from a wound to the leg. Though it had been healed, there was doubtless some residual stiffness.

Naruto looked more tired than Iruka had ever seen him before, but thanks to the kyuubi inside of him, he had no wounds that needed healing. Sasuke had a bandage taped across one cheek and both forearms were wrapped in gauze. A scrape down his leg was healed enough to close the wound, but a thin white line delineating the original injury remained visible. All moved until they stood beside Iruka and Umino-san, who remained seated.

Even considering that Sakura had exercised her talents on his group, Iruka wasn't feeling too hearty himself, and a quick glance outside only confirmed that the sun has risen at long last, making restful sleeping impossible for at least another few hours. Small wonder that even Tsunade-sama and Shark looked tired. Iruka decided to figure out how Shark could look tired even with his face completely obscured and his posture perfectly erect at a later time. He didn't feel quite up to the mental challenge.

"Hokage-sama," the three men murmured with respectful bows. Even Naruto.

"Naruto, Sasuke, report," Tsunade-sama ordered calmly.

Naruto straightened up a little, rubbing one of his eyes. In Iruka's opinion, Naruto looked disturbingly as though he had been taking makeup tips from Gaara-sama when he was tired . "The second explosion woke me, and I teleported to the training grounds in time to see their second incursion. I created several kage-bunshin and attacked them. I managed to eliminate a little over half-"

"-and I managed to get the rest of them, with one or two left alive for later interrogation," Sasuke finished. "I had arrived later, since my home is further from the training grounds and my progress there had been delayed by helping several of the non-combatants."

The Hokage nodded, steepling her hands together in front of her, considering their words. "Continue," she said.

"After preventing their second wave, Sasuke and I began fighting our way here to Hokage Tower," Naruto said, picking up from where he left off. "We must have fought at least seven separate teams, and every attacker we saw was a missing-nin, though notably, none were from Konoha."

"Umino-san and I had noticed that when we were coming to your aid, Hokage-sama," Kakashi put in unexpectedly.

"That corresponds with what every single Anbu and Konoha ninja have reported to me as of earlier this night," Tsunade-sama said, gesturing at a pile of paperwork to her right. She glanced out the window and sighed. "Well, I suppose I should say earlier this morning. Shizune and Shark suggested last night that this was a plot for these missing-nin to form their own village using ours, and stage assaults on allies and enemies alike."

"Not a very good plan," Umino-san said with some derision. She tossed her maltreated braid back over her shoulder. Iruka watched that motion with the same despairing curiosity he had whenever she did something feminine. He also hoped that if he ever performed that same motion in the future, he wouldn't look so freakishly _pretty_ while doing it.

Both the Hokage and Kakashi-san looked at her, the former with a lot more tired amusement. "Some of course would say that your arrival here preceeded the attack, Umino-san," Tsunade-sama said calmly.

"And some people would be wrong," Umino-san replied with equal calm. "You know that I am your loyal ninja, in all ways."

"It sure seems that way," Iruka ventured tentatively. "If she is me, then I am her, and neither of us would dare allow you to come to harm if we could prevent it, Hokage-sama."

Kakashi-san's mildly amused look turned into a one-eyed leer (and Iruka added the mystery of how Kakashi-san could leer to his list of Things To Figure Out after he had slept). "You probably wouldn't be as much fun if you had been born a woman, Iruka-san," he said mockingly.

Iruka didn't know where it came from, but he managed to smirk at the silver-haired man. "You couldn't handle me either way, Kakashi-san."

"He certainly had a hard time keeping up with a woman last night," Umino-san said, echoing his smirk. "Just imagine if I were a man." Pause. "Then again, you don't have to imagine."

Naruto and, surprisingly, Sasuke, both groaned. "That is disturbing," Sasuke said with a faintly pleading look. "Please stop that."

"He said it," Naruto added, putting a fist against his cheek.

Iruka and Umino-san stared at each other with identical looks of frustration, then at the Hokage.

"We'll solve that problem once we figure out the missing-nin," she said in response to the looks. "Now, Kakashi-kun, report."

"Hokage-sama," the copy-nin murmured respectfully, straightening a little out of his tired slump. "As per your orders, my nin-ken and I tracked down the missing-nin who decided to flee. We managed to catch all of them before they cleared the forest perimeter, and none were hiding underground or above. No collateral damage, though my nin-ken have all requested some bones for having to work so hard."

"I'll authorize them a lot more than bones for their work and yours," the Hokage replied. "Better to keep them happy."

"I always try to," Kakashi-san replied. "Other than that, nothing to report. No special jutsu were employed that I didn't know, and none of them seemed to have had orders to kill themselves upon capture. They were just trying to run away. The few I captured alive are with Ibiki-san and his team."

"He mentioned having possible answers within the day," Tsunade-sama murmured. Abruptly, she looked as drawn and exhausted as they all felt.

"I will ensure his report is on your desk as soon as it is completed, Hokage-sama," said a new and horribly grating voice. Everyone but Tsunade-sama looked up to realize that the previously silent Shark was the one who had spoken. Without giving visible heed to their surprise, Shark continued speaking. "It should be safe enough to leave you with Shizune-san in the meantime."

"You're her bodyguard?" Kakashi-san asked with skepticism.

"Indeed," Shark said. Iruka winced as the man continued to speak. That voice was about as far from pleasant as it could get.

Kakashi-san, unaware of Iruka's thoughts, asked a similar question. "I take it that's the reason you don't speak much?"

Shark inclined his head. The eerie red teeth, vivid in the early morning light, flashed almost in warning. "I normally don't have to, in my capacity."

Iruka supposed that the Anbu's aura of death was conversation enough to anyone stupid enough to attack the Hokage while she was with him. Certainly the people fitting that description last night had all perished for their idiocy. Hopefully _before_ they had procreated.

Tsunade-sama sighed. "Well, since we're all dependent on Ibiki-kun's information before we proceed any further, speculation won't get us anywhere."

"I hope you're about to suggest what I think," Kakashi-san muttered, probably deliberately loud enough to hear. Iruka certainly didn't bother to look for the sarcasm probably evident around the jounin's visible eye.

"Your lucky day, Kakashi-kun," Tsunade-sama replied. "I order you all to leave and sleep for at least four hours before reporting back to me. There should be answers by then."

"Glad to obey, baa-chan," Naruto grinned at her.

She waved a dismissive hand. "Yeah, yeah, brat, I know. I'll hit you for that later," she grumbled. "All of you, out and leave me to my sake and paperwork."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," Iruka and Umino-san said dulcently. Everyone in the room was then treated to the sight of the Hokage shuddering and shaking her head.

"Oh, getting rid of the echo whenever you talk is _definitely_ a priority after figuring out the missing-nin attack, Iruka-kun," she muttered, waving at them all. "Out with all of you!"

Iruka glanced at Shark, got a nod in return, then stood up. Umino-san, Kakashi-san, Naruto and Sasuke followed him out. Shizune shut the door behind them.

Iruka glanced around at his companions. "Kakashi-san, are you following me home again?"

"'Fraid so, Iruka-san," Kakashi-san replied without any guilt. "The Hokage may be okay with you and Umino-san occupying the same spaces, but I'm not quite sure yet."

Umino-san shot the tall jounin a glare. "With that kind of attitude about people and trust issues, I'm surprised no one's killed you in your sleep," she snapped.

"Many have tried, all have failed," Kakashi-san replied glibly, his eye looking amused.

"At least they died _trying_," Iruka muttered. "Okay, so you're coming back with me."

"Just _don't_ put me on that couch," Kakashi-san, abruptly looking alarmed. "I think it was trying to cut me in half the moment I shifted wrong."

"Oh, you found out about Iruka-sensei's couch, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto said, smiling a little. "Why didn't you take the bedroll?"

Kakashi-san looked slowly at Iruka, and to Iruka's mingled amusement and mild fright, the look did not bode well for him. "You have a bedroll?"

"Doesn't everyone?" Umino-san said, smiling sweetly.

"Stop taking words out of my mouth," Iruka said mildly, trying not to smile, and failing.

"You had a bedroll and I was stuck on that couch all night?" Kakashi-san looked incredulous.

"Half the night, unless you sleep like a log," Sasuke muttered, but Kakashi-san only acknowleged that comment with a glare.

Iruka folded his arms across his chest and gave Kakashi-san his patented stare. "You invited yourself over without notice and you expected me to accomodate that without some form of complaint?" Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Umino-san slowly assume the same stance, and Naruto and Sasuke backed away slightly. Inwardly, he smirked. They, unlike their hapless teacher, _knew_ that tone of voice.

Kakashi-san just slouched a bit, and had the grace to look slightly ashamed. "Okay, fine, sorry," he said. "Can we just go now? And may I use the bedroll instead?"

Iruka shook his head and smiled sardonically. "Sure. I just want to get into bed."

And seeing Kakashi-san about to open his mouth, even through the mask-"And no, I don't need company."

How an eye could pout was added to Iruka's growing list of Things To Figure Out When Awake. Then he visibly brightened. "Then how about-"

"Not possible," Umino-san interjected. "In any sense of the word."

Kakashi-san sighed. "Had to try and fulfill that twin fantasy somehow," he said. "Okay, let's all get some sleep."

"Yeah, but now I'm worried about the nightmares I'm gonna have about you and Iruka-sensei getting it on," Naruto complained.

"Better nightmares than actually _seeing _it," Sasuke muttered low enough for Iruka to understand that he was not supposed to hear. He looked at Umino-san in time to see her smirk.

"Probably," Naruto replied. "See you back here later, then."

Sasuke waved and ambled off after Naruto. Iruka looked at Umino-san and Kakashi-san and waved. "Lead on."

* * *

Thank you for reading that! This chapter marks the start of gearing up toward the finale, which I really hope isn't going to cause too much confusion. Also, let me just say that while, for story purposes, I have made Naruto and Sasuke leery of the idea of Kakashi and Iruka getting it on (which may or may not happen), I actually _love _that pairing, and slash in general. I think they'd have to be horrified. Each of their older brother-type authority figures getting all hot and sweaty and naked? Sounds titillating to me, personally, but they'd probably view it about the same as me picturing my brother getting it on with his wife. ** EW.**

Thought tangent aside, I have placed some clues throughout this chapter about the situation with the dual Iruka-sensei. I look forward to your guesses, your reviews, and naturally, your thoughts :-)


	6. The Accretion

I cannot apologize enough for the length of time it took me to get this chapter out to you! For a while, the words just wouldn't come, even though I had it all planned out, not to mention the not-inconsiderable difficulties of studying for my (now past) microbiology midterm. I guess the boys (and girl) just didn't want to play after I had the time. Anyway, here it is, and for your reading pleasure, a few scenes of brain candy. Please enjoy!

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Chapter Six: The Accretion

Sleep was magical. Sleep was delightful. Sleep was something everyone and their sister had gone short on this previous night. Now that Kakashi had a magically comfortable bedroll instead of the couch from hell, he felt that he could face the next few hours of unconsciousness with a light heart and intact back. Granted, his face hurt a slight bit from where Iruka-san had impacted it with the bedroll he was currently sprawled upon, but for the sake of rest, he was fairly sure he could put up with that entirely minor discomfort.

He closed his sharingan eye and removed his hitae-ate from its usual slant across his face. Sighing, he slid a finger underneath his mask and scratched. Though the mask had prevented anything truly harmful from touching his skin, he smelled dirt, blood, acidic sweat and other unpleasant fumes coming from the tight material.

Across from him, Iruka-san was briskly stripping himself out of his uniform. A bit of Kakashi's inner pervert reared up and forced him to take notice of the process. First, Iruka-san removed his hitae-ate from his forehead, revealing a broad expanse of forehead and the typical skin creases resulting from long-term wear. That, he set down on the small table beside the reclining chair. Next, he undid the fastenings on his vest, and that slid off shoulders that suddenly looked broader without the bulky material. Iruka-san's shirt looked tighter that it normally did when the vest wasn't in the way, Kakashi thought. Or perhaps it was always that tight and he had simply never noticed.

Iruka-san's hands went to his shirt next, to reach for the bottom and pull the entirety of it over his head and off. His skin was all of a color, which said that either Iruka-san spent massive amounts of time outside (which he probably did, being a schoolteacher) or he indulged in nude tanning (which, in a village of ninja, would be a _feat_ if he did and managed to keep it secret).

Kakashi waited patiently for Iruka to begin removing his pants and presumably finish disarming himself. He lay there, just lazily staring at the hipbones peeking out from the standard issue pants. The delineations were a nice contrast to the overall smoothness of the muscles of Iruka-san's belly. Good core strength, clearly. He would need it to keep up with the various contortions demanded of a man who cared for insanely flexible ninja children. Kakashi wondered if some older ninja played with children as part of their daily calisthenics.

After a short period, he became aware that not only was he being stared at, but Iruka-san still hadn't begun taking off his pants. Kakashi raised his eye and looked up at Iruka-san. "Don't feel shy on my account," he said lightly. "Please, continue."

Iruka-san rolled his eyes. "How _kind_ of you, Kakashi-san, to give me permission to strip in my own house," he sniped back without rancor. "How long were you going to watch me, anyway?"

Kakashi gave a one-shoulder shrug. "Probably until you were done."

"Pervert," Iruka-san declared.

"How kind of you to notice, Iruka-_sensei_," Kakashi drawled, enjoying the exchange. "What _else_ would you like to teach me about myself?"

Iruka-san's cheeks flushed a slight red, but before he could reply (to Kakashi's disappointment), Umino-san entered the room wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around herself (to Kakashi's delight). Kakashi frowned internally. These mood swings of his would have to stop, sooner or later.

"Do you mind if I shower?" Umino-san asked.

"No, of course not," Iruka-san replied, not without irony. "I was about to offer."

"Not to me," Kakashi muttered.

"You didn't give me a chance," Iruka-san said. "You were too busy watching me strip!"

"He was _watching you strip_?" Umino-san asked, sounding scandalized. "Why didn't you go into the other room?"

"I wasn't aware that my naked body was interesting enough to warrant the attention!"

"Have you forgotten _who_ we're housing?"

"Oh, gods save me," Kakashi groaned, rolling over so he could hide his eye in the crook of his arm. "Stop arguing with yourself already. I'm not looking anymore."

A brief silence ensued, probably because Iruka-san and Umino-san were checking to make sure he really couldn't see them. "Okay, then," Iruka-san said slowly. "You'll shower first, then Kakashi-san, then me. It'll probably make us all feel better."

Kakashi had a brief, delightfully inappropriate mental image of the three of them in the bath together, Iruka-san and Umino-san enthusiastically washing each other while Kakashi himself looked on. He shook his head, still buried in his arm, and shut both eyes tightly.

He heard Iruka-san sigh. "Well, let me help you with the shower," he said gallantly. "There's a trick to it, so I'll show you what it is and then leave you to bathe."

"I won't take too long," Umino-san promised. "I don't want to use all the hot water."

"You won't," Iruka-san assured her.

Footsteps and the click of a door partially shutting convinced Kakashi that it was safe to bring his head out of hiding. From his position lying perpendicular to that wretched couch, in front of the apartment door, he saw the bathroom door standing open a mere crack, testimony to his ears' accuracy. He laid his head down again, foreseeing a brief nap before he would be able to wash himself. He knew the Hokage would send a bird messenger for them as soon as their allotted rest time was over. His normal eye shut and a brief period of blackness overtook him, too deep to even allow him a pleasing dream.

Kakashi's eye shot open as he felt a small flare of chakra come from nearby. He sat up on the futon, only to flop back down wearily when the full extent of his exhaustion crashed into him with slightly less gentleness than the enemy's punches. The chakra stopped as abruptly as it had appeared, and Iruka-san, perhaps alerted by the heavy sound of Kakashi's body greeting the ground anew, came out of the bathroom.

"Kakashi-san? You okay?"

"Er, yes," Kakashi croaked, suddenly wishing that Iruka-had perhaps waited two more seconds so he could look less like a flopping fish instead of a highly-trained ninja. He was suddenly more glad than ever that he had not removed his mask. "I just felt something that startled me."

"Oh, that chakra?" Iruka-san chuckled. "Sorry about that. I was showing my counterpart the jutsu I use for keeping the water hot while bathing."  
"Short hot water time?" Kakashi was amused and dizzy at the same time.

"Yeah, best way to keep it up," Iruka-san said. "One of these days, I'll invest in a furo, but until then, well, I make do."

"Yeah, sure," Kakashi got out, shutting his eye tightly to try and make the spinning stop. Dimly, he heard water start falling and footsteps approaching him, but before he could muster up a defensive posture, he felt himself being gently eased into a sitting position. A warm arm wrapped around his shoulders, keeping him upright. He cautiously opened his eye as the vertigo eased off, seeing Iruka-san looking at him with a worried expression.

"You're chakra-depleted," Iruka-san said softly. "Do you think you could eat something? It would help." A mild pause followed while Iruka-san's face furrowed in thought. "I promise I wouldn't look."

Kakashi wheezed out a soft laugh, glad to feel the disorientation fading more with every second. "How modest of you."

"I'm tempted," Iruka-san deadpanned. "I'd earn that furo money if I took pictures."

Sighing and shaking his head, he instead moved his supporting arm down to Kakashi's waist. "Can you stand?"

With gentle coaxing and support, Kakashi got to his feet, but was embarrassed to admit to himself that he needed Iruka-san's help to remain upright. Next to him, Iruka-san was muttering to himself something about how the increasing abilities of upper-level ninja were inversely proportional to caring for themselves, but Kakashi decided to not take anything he said to heart. He couldn't at the moment anyway; he was having enough trouble putting one foot in front of the other.

Gradually, they made it to the kitchen, where Iruka-san set him down in a chair. "Won't be but a minute," he promised, turning to his refrigerator.

Hearing the soft sounds of falling water cease, Kakashi felt himself revive enough to smile a bit under his mask. Thank all the gods that unlike most women, Umino-san seemed to be quick in the bathroom. The idea of that water cleaning him restored his energy enough so that he could sit a little straighter in the chair.

A low exclamation of triumph came from Iruka-san's direction, and Kakashi looked over in time to see him pluck a container from the cold recesses of the fridge. Kakashi blinked. He hoped that Iruka-san didn't intend for him to eat that entire thing. There must have been enough there to feed the entire Anbu corps for three days-

"Good, we'll all be able to eat this," Iruka-san declared, and Kakashi closed his eye tightly. This whole experience was _definitely_ why he didn't let anyone but his ninken see him when he was this dead tired. He felt disgusted with himself for being that stupid. Of _course_ his temporary teammates were hungry. They'd easily gone through their own versions of hell tonight, though it was interesting that neither Umino-san nor Iruka-san were showing chakra-depletion symptoms like he was. Something in his tired brain perked up at that thought. The two in question might have had higher chakra stamina than he did. Kakashi, aware of the sounds and smells of food heating and the quieter sounds of clothing rustling further away, thought about that idea but dismissed the notion. He'd seen Umino-san fight tonight, and for the most part, she seemed to rely on taijutsu. Whatever jutsu she had performed had little to no waste of energy, though. He wished he had that talent. His chakra tended to leak a little, even considering his mastery, and over a period of time, that had the tendency to negatively affect his reserves.

When he died, he was going to have a very long conversation with Obito about giving him a mostly useful ability that drained his chakra faster than porn novels came out of Jiraiya-sensei's brain. The conversation was probably going to involve yelling and application of blunt force trauma. With a daikon.

Kakashi became aware of someone deliberately making noise behind him and didn't stiffen when he heard Umino-san say softly, "is there anything to eat?"

"Yeah, but Kakashi-san and I should probably go and bathe," Iruka-san said, looking indecisively at Kakashi. Kakashi then endeavored to make the best one-eyed puppy look he had. "Food first, please?"

For a moment, he thought it had worked on Iruka-san. The man looked seriously torn between cleanliness and a full belly. Kakashi dared a glance at Umino-san. The woman looked warm, clean and comfortable in her new uniform, braid neatly plaited and lying over one shoulder instead of down her back. Kakashi began feeling that indecision himself, and heaved a gusty sigh. "Never mind what I said, Iruka-san," Kakashi said, gathering himself in preparation to stand. "I want to bathe first." He rose slowly from the table, and turned to head to the bathroom, only to catch himself on the chair as dizziness ruled him. Almost instantaneously, four hands were on him, holding him up while the spell passed.

He felt more than heard a sigh behind him. A warm puff of air touched the back of his neck and he felt a slight chill after the heat left. "Okay, fine," Iruka-san said. "Umino-san, heat the food. Kakashi-san and I are going to the bath now."

Good. Clean time. How Kakashi wanted to be clean_...wait._ Did Iruka just say he was coming too?

"Kakashi-san, you can barely stand by yourself," Iruka-san said chidingly, making Kakashi realized that he'd actually said that last part out loud. "I'm going in there to keep you from braining yourself in my tub."

Well, _that_ certainly took a lot of the delightfully perverted charm out of the idea, but Kakashi also felt touched that Iruka-san would want to take care of him in this way. It beat showering with the largest of his ninken when he was this tired. Bathing in water only made a body attract more dog hairs, so at the end of such an ordeal he wasn't much cleaner than when he had started. Using a towel didn't help that situation either. No, bathing with another human was advantageous. In _many_ ways.

Iruka-san was looking at him a little oddly. Kakashi suddenly became aware of how warm his face felt, which probably meant he was blushing. Dammit. "I'll have to ask you to face away while I remove my mask," he mumbled, trying to pass it off as shyness instead of perversion.

"It's probably possible for me to give you a cloth to cover your face with after you wash," Umino-san suggested. "That way, we can all launder our clothes."

"Good idea," Iruka-san said tiredly. "I don't know why I didn't think of that."

"Too tired, probably," was her reply. She made little ushering motions, and under that impetus, Kakashi and Iruka-san slowly made their way out of the kitchen. "But that's what I'm here for, for now; to remind you of that stuff."

Iruka-san made no reply, instead making sure Kakashi was supported as he moved them through his apartment. The bathroom door had been left open, which was just as well. Kakashi was fully aware that he was far heavier than his slender frame suggested, and he could feel Iruka-san trembling with the strain of holding him up. He also knew that Iruka-san wouldn't have been able to open the door while keeping him upright, and was happy when they reached the bathroom without incident.

With a sigh, Iruka-san set him down on the closed toilet lid, and busied himself preparing the bathing area. Kakashi looked around a bit. He sat on the toilet, and next to it there was a small tub, barely big enough for two. In front of the toilet was a small shower area, surrounded by a transparent stall, since one didn't get into a tub without bathing oneself clean first. He wouldn't have thought Iruka-san's apartment would boast such modern amenities, but he was happy they did. It certainly made things easier.

Iruka-san had done a small jutsu, and Kakashi, turning to look at him fussing over the tub, suddenly saw steam rise slowly from the water inside. Impressive. Kakashi made a note to ask Iruka-san to teach him the jutsu once he had some energy back. Iruka-san then got some towels and produced a stool Kakashi hadn't noticed before, then gently and impersonally helped Kakashi out of his clothing, and removed his own far more quickly. Turning on the shower, Iruka-san placed the stool in the shower stall, then moved Kakashi to sit on the stool, joining him inside and shutting the door.

Bliss. Kakashi gave Iruka-san a glance, and the chuunin obligingly turned his face away. Kakashi, after letting the water continue sluicing his mask clean for a moment longer, removed it and scrubbed vigorously at his face with his free hand before dropping the dirty cloth to the floor. Alerted by that sound, Iruka-san, keeping his eyes averted, got out a cloth and some soap, and gently bathed Kakashi with it, being gentle around the healed, tender areas.

Though Iruka-san wasn't looking at him, Kakashi was more than happy to look at his bathing companion. Certainly the man was tan all over, as he had predicted. Now, was it tanning or natural? He didn't think he knew the other man well enough to ask. It was far more interesting to look over Iruka-san's tan skin and see the muscles shifting subtly as he helped Kakashi with his ablutions. The toned abdomen rippled as Iruka-san systematically soaped and lifted Kakashi's arms (currently functioning as dead weights) to wash over Kakashi's chest and underneath his arms.

It was hard to focus on anything other than Iruka-san's body when it was between Kakashi and the hot water flowing from the wall. Fortunately, the warm steam kept him from feeling too chilled. The rasp of the soapy cloth cleaning the detritus of the day from him also kept his bloody pumping, though with every last erg of chakra and energy in his body, Kakashi made an effort to keep the blood from pumping into his manhood. No need to give Iruka-san the idea that he was enjoying this _too_ much.

Even if he _was_.

To his vast disappointment, the bathing room filled up with so much steam that the contours of Iruka-san's fit body were difficult to see. He had been attempting to act the gentleman, even if he was too tired to be actually acting upon his lechery, but the chance to glimpse the normally clothed and proper teacher naked was unexpectedly tempting.

Too soon, the bathing stopped, and Iruka-san stepped away from him to let the water wash the suds away. Glancing over to see the darker-skinned man washing himself with determination, Kakashi resolutely turned his face into the spray, delighting in the good water pressure. His own home didn't have such forceful pipes.

In far less time than it had taken to bathe Kakashi, Iruka-san was done. "Do you want me to help you into the tub?" He inquired politely, standing in front of Kakashi to rinse and treating Kakashi to a lovely view of a rounded posterior. Right then and there, Kakashi started cursing the gods with impotence, dead fish and blunt objects in delicate areas for the fact that, tired as he was, he was both _incredibly_ tempted to reach up to grasp that ass, and as far from able as he could get without being dead.

Kakashi shook his head and sighed. "No, thank you," he replied. "I don't think I'm up to soaking, but if you could help me with my hair, that would be great."

"I can do that," Iruka-san said calmly. Once again, the delightful torture started. Kakashi let his head loll a bit on his neck as Iruka-san carefully massaged and lathered his scalp. Rinsing the suds from his hair required Kakashi to close his eye or get hurt, so he didn't get to see Iruka-san washing his own hair, but Kakashi was content enough for the moment. The stream of water cut off in front of him (presumably Iruka-san was now rinsing himself), and deciding not to subject himself again to the onslaught of wet skin close by, Kakashi kept his eye shut.

After shutting the water off, Iruka-san opened the door and let the steam out, making Kakashi shiver, but before he could get truly cold, he was enveloped in a large towel. "Think you can dry yourself?" Iruka-san asked. Kakashi just nodded and started doing that.

Drying off was a quick thing, and after he carefully stood up from his place on the stool, keeping the towel around his waist, Iruka-san was holding a pair of blue drawstring pants and a length of cloth up for his perusal. He accepted them and put them on, mildly disappointed to see Iruka-san already dressed.

Iruka-san once again supported him as they made their way to the living room to see an impatient Umino-san waiting for them at the small table, with three plates of food still steaming lightly. Without further ado, as soon as they had reached the table, all dug into the meal. Conversation was limited to the point of nonexistence during this time, though Kakashi did note some odd looks passing between Iruka-san and his counterpart that he couldn't quite understand. Perhaps he would remember it later. At least they avoided looking at his face.

By mutual consent, the plates were left where they were, and Kakashi, without help, made his way to the bedroll and flopped onto it. No sooner did he find a comfortable position than he was on the verge of sleep. His last thought was that he hoped the Hokage wouldn't mind their being late.

* * *

Well, there you have it. A cheesecake chapter :-) Delightful and frustrating to write. Picturing the scene didn't help much either. Despite my best intentions, this seems to be more of a filler chapter, though some more clues about what is actually going on are in fact in there. Please read and review!


	7. The Aggregators

_Finally, this chapter is out! I faced several issues with where I wanted it to go, since the next two chapters are likely to be the last. I'd like to apologize as well for how blasted long it took me to even get this written, much less posted. Real Life, in all her bitchy glory, intervened in the form of my microbiology class (done with and passed), an ill father, and a recovered father shortly followed by an ill aunt. Of course, when I put it like that, it almost sounds like I'm making it up, but no, that was my life these past few months. There are still things going on, but for the sake of sanity (mine and others'), I won't go into it here. Writing has always been my refuge when things go to shit, and though this chapter was difficult, it was still a joy to write, and made me feel better._

_For those of you who appreciate a good science joke (and a small clue), in biology, an aggregator can be an improperly formed protein, or a group of them folded wrong. My life is full of them :P_

* * *

Chapter Seven: The Aggregators

Iruka had an internal alarm clock. Over the years, it had turned out to be frighteningly accurate. At any particular time, he could say to himself that he wanted to wake up in any number of hours, and not only would he wake up, it would happen to within a minute's accuracy. He had had many years to hone the technique, the saving grace of any teacher, and had even received praise for it from others who, for one reason or another, simply couldn't awaken without a wailing alarm clock. Iruka hated alarm clocks with a passion. Jangling the nerves for a wake-up call on a daily basis wasn't good for the blood pressure of a civilian, let alone a highly-trained ninja.

So when he woke up after two and a half hours of sleep without any transition from sleeping to alertness, he wasn't at all surprised. He was disgruntled about not being able to just lie there for a while longer, but with the ease of long practice, he ignored the irritation and quietly sat up.

A faint tugging on the chakra web surrounding his home made him turn to the window with a small smile, the earlier annoyance forgotten. Sitting at the window, attempting to look like a common pigeon (a difficult feat for an oversized eagle), was Mitama, the Hokage's personal messenger bird. A small scroll was attached to her scaly ankle, and seeing him move, she pierced him with a look. Unlike most other eagles, Mitama's eyes were dark green, and it was quite striking to see that in a golden-colored bird.

With a sigh, he stood up, deliberately making noise while he did. He knew that, like him, his companions were trained to immediately wake up at any sign of stealth, so being quiet wouldn't do any good. Besides, it was his home, and he could be loud if he wanted. Or until the neighbors complained; whichever came first, really.

Iruka slid the window up and deactivated the chakra trap at just that point with the ease of long practice. Mitama, who, like all messenger birds, could see chakra, stepped inside the moment it was safe. Daintily, she held out the leg burdened with the scroll, so Iruka could take it. He unrolled it and read the contents silently, smiling a little when he came to the end part. Motioning the bird to wait, he walked to the table, grabbed his pen, and scribbled a quick reply. Ducking into the kitchen for a moment, he opened a pantry and found a small jar of soft meat chews. He brought scroll and jar over to Mitama, sitting regally on his sill, and fed her a strip of meat as he tied the scroll back onto her leg.

Having finished her snack, Mitama gave his hand a brief caress with her beak, turned, and jumped, the backwash from her takeoff pushing Iruka's loose hair away from his face. Iruka chuckled softly, and firmly put aside the thought that having a messenger hawk for a pet would be a good idea. He had had to do so more than once over the years.

Iruka turned, having sensed someone coming up behind him, to face Umino-san, a questioning but calm look on her face. In response, he nodded, and sighed. It was time for them to get ready.

-()()()-

Iruka hated to do it. He really, really didn't want to be the one to have to wake up Kakashi-san, who lay as still as the dead on his bedroll on the floor. Kakashi-san's flat chest was barely rising and falling with his breath, and in the typical manner of ninja on a mission, his hand was resting on the weapons pouch, next to his head. The display before Iruka's eyes was probably one of the main reasons the majority of hidden village civilians never attempted to take a ninja for a lover. It was all too easy to imagine the chaos that would ensue when the civilian lover tried to….surprise…the ninja awake.

Umino-san had "volunteered" (with too much enthusiasm to be real, in Iruka's eyes) to find something else for everyone to eat while he woke up their sleeping jounin. Well, maybe not "their" jounin, and yes, he was a jounin, but he had a name, and that was Kakashi-san…and if he was thinking like this, it was a definite sign he needed more sleep. Unfortunately, duty called, and a ninja went when summoned.

He wondered if he could find a summoned creature to do this instead. Then again, since none of Kakashi-san's summons were around right now, it was probable they had learned their lesson in that respect.

Iruka heaved a soft sigh (it occurred to him that he'd been sighing a lot lately) and squatted down a few feet from Kakashi-san's head. "Kakashi-san," he said softly. "It's Iruka. Time to get up." He carefully watched Kakashi-san's face for any signs of awareness. The soft cloth Kakashi-san wore around his face stirred softly with each breath, now that Iruka was looking closely, but was one breath deeper than another? There wasn't any safe way to tell.

"Kakashi-san," Iruka said, more firmly. "It's time to wake up. Preferably _without _killing me. Would you mind?"

Kakashi-san shifted a little so that he was facing Iruka, but even while he was tensed and ready to spring away, Iruka noted with relief that there was no longer a hand on the weapons pouch. Feeling a little braver, he continued speaking. "I don't really think Hokage-sama would thank you for giving her more work, and even less if I were a victim of friendly fire, so to speak. So, while you wake up, please remember that I'm not trying to hurt you, you have all your weapons, the mask is still across your face, and I am not touching you in any way, shape or form."

A grumpy mumble that sounded suspiciously like "pity" reached Iruka's ears.

"So," Iruka continued, warming to his subject, "getting up now would be a good idea. The sooner Tsunade-sama gets done with us, the more you can sleep."

"Dun wanna," came a muttered reply. The non-scarred eye opened a slit to glare at him.

"Neither do I," Iruka replied with all honesty, pleased to see the eye widen with surprise. "I'm tired, and I'm barely seeing any chakra coming off of you, and I'd much rather have you sleeping, even if you are taking up my floor-"

"He awake yet?" Umino-san asked, walking out of the kitchen holding a big bowl. "I think we've got enough time for scrambled eggs."

"Did I hear food?" The sleepy, myopic jounin wondered, sounding only marginally more coherent than he had intially.

"You did," Iruka said mildly, giving Umino-san a look. "If you get up, you'll have enough time to eat before we go. That'd get your chakra up to near-civilian levels, at least."

The slitted eye opened further to give Iruka a glare that had less power than a baby's punch. To avoid giving further offense, Iruka stood up and pointedly turned his back on Kakashi-san, walking instead to the kitchen to help Umino-san make their meal.

Seeing that Umino-san had already cracked several eggs into a bowl, Iruka took the time to find some chopsticks to whip them into a homogenous, fluffy mass. He saw that Umino-san was masterfully handling a massive pan that had some hot oil in it. No conversation for this basic practice was necessary. Without looking, Iruka held out the bowl of whipped eggs, and Umino-san took it from his hand not more than a second later. The hiss as the eggs hit the pan sounded good, but the smell, to Iruka, who was short on sleep and had had a very physical few hours, went beyond description.

Umino-san pushed the eggs around in the pan, and they started taking on a more solid appearance. Iruka dug around in his pantry and found some bread, and a search in the fridge yielded some fruit jam that thankfully hadn't gone bad. He paused for a moment and focused his hearing on the living room. He didn't hear anything. Iruka shook his head. Sometimes, he hated it when he was right.

"Kakashi-san, if you don't get up in the next minute, we're going to eat everything without you," he said, feeling very much like someone's mother.

A solid thunk in the frame of the kitchen door and a vibrating kunai were the only answer he got. Iruka debated with himself a moment. Certainly, he would welcome the extra food, especially considering that he would doubtless need a grocery trip later today, but on the other hand, starving a guest (even if said guest _had _forced an invite) was a bad idea. But more importantly, Iruka wondered what he should do about the kunai in his door. As the eggs sizzled in the pan, he made his decision.

He grabbed the still-quivering kunai, looked quickly to confirm his aim, and threw it right in front of Kakashi-san's face.

Predictably, the flung weapon stuck a mere inch from (presumably) a nose did what gentle coaxing and near outright ordering had not, and now Kakashi-san was up, in a fighting stance, and looking as disgruntled as a masked man with one visible eye could look.

"Oh, good, you're up now," Iruka said, attempting to sound blase. "Food'll be ready in a few minutes. Go wash your hands."

For a moment, Iruka thought the newly alert jounin was going to attack him in retaliation for the return shot, so he held Kakashi-san's gaze and silently stared back, trying to impart the foolishness of the idea without a word. It must have worked, because Kakashi-san moved toward the bathroom after a brief visual battle and, almost as an afterthought, slammed the door.

Iruka looked toward the kunai now stuck in his floor and sighed. It was a good thing his landlord liked him, and had housed ninja before. The minor damage was something easily overlooked otherwise.

Soft clanking from behind him let Iruka know that Umino-san, without much effort, had found the plates, and had dished each of them an equal portion of the eggs. Iruka took the bread bag, the jam jar, and three knives to the kitchen table, setting them down and moving his papers to the small table near the reclining chair.

Iruka hadn't heard any water in the bathroom running over the noise in the kitchen, but since Kakashi showed up a few minutes later slightly damp and looking more alert, he figured he could be allowed to eat. Iruka mentally snorted. He privately doubted that "allowing" would have anything to do with it.

"Okay, let's eat," Iruka said at the same time Umino-san declared, "we've got about ten minutes." They broke off to glance at each other in perplexity.

"Oh gods, stop it, please," Kakashi-san said, looking pained. "I'm only barely awake enough to take this situation standing up."

"Since when have you ever taken anything in a standing position?" Iruka asked incredulously. "You slouch!"

"Slouching is standing, Iruka-san," Kakashi-san pointed out in what he probably thought was a reasonable voice.

"It doesn't count," Umino-san chimed in, sitting down in one of the kitchen chairs. "Being half bent over isn't standing."

"It does since I'm on both feet," Kakashi-san retorted.

"But it looks more like reclining," Iruka said calmly.

Kakashi-san groaned and practically fell into his seat. "Why are we having this discussion about the way I stand?"

"Because it's not standing," Umino-san and Iruka said in unison. They glanced at each other again, and Iruka cautiously decided he had the verbal right-of-way. "It's slouching. If slouching was standing, it'd be called standing."

Kakashi-san threw up his hands. "Okay, what do I have to do to get you to stop talking like that? I'll do anything!"

Umino-san glanced at Iruka, probably to make sure Iruka himself wouldn't speak, before slying asking," anything? Really?"

"Yes, dammit," Kakash-san grumbled.

"I'll think on that," was her reply.

Umino-san picked up a fork, with Iruka and Kakashi-san following suit. Purposefully, Iruka looked at his plate the entire time, and out of the corner of his eye saw Umino-san doing the same. The next few minutes were completely devoid of conversation as the three exhausted ninja took in enough food to keep them on their feet for the duration of the debriefing. Hopefully. Iruka wasn't feeling too steady, though he was fit for duty if asked, and he was more than sure Umino-san was in the same condition. He worried more for Kakashi-san, who tended toward the jutsu-using end of the fighting spectrum. Taijutsu at its most strenuous was more conserving of the chakra than even the simplest genjutsu unless the person in question (Naruto came to mind immediately, and Iruka smiled slightly) had a veritable fountain of it. Kakashi-san, after a several-hours long battle, did not appear to be one of those select few, but would likely force himself to pretend as if he did.

Iruka finished his food first, and pushed his plate away with a sigh of satisfaction. He immediately felt more energetic, but he knew that would go away alarmingly fast. When he was short on sleep like this, he always ate like a pig. Today was one of the days where he really wished he could carry chakra reserves on his body, the way the Akimichi-clan did. Unfortunately, he was like the majority of ninja, spare to bony except for muscles. He had never thought he'd wish for extra weight on his body, but he'd proven himself wrong often enough to not be overly surprised about it.

"Done, and thank you," Kakashi-san said after a few moments, and Iruka gratefully looked up to see Umino-san finishing the last bites on her plate. Kakashi-san looked much the same as ever, considering the eye-patch and the face mask were always in place. Iruka hadn't even stolen a look while helping him bathe, tempted though he'd been. Iruka wasn't ashamed of the fact that he'd been shamelessly ogling the jounin's body under the guise of using the washcloth, but looking at the man's face without permission seemed somehow wrong. Iruka could have jokingly wondered aloud if the jounin actually had a face, but that seemed more like something that Naruto would do. At least he knew Kakashi-san had a mouth, if the amazing number of innuendos and the fact that he'd consumed food using it constituted proof.

There had better not be a jutsu to make thoughts audible, or Iruka was going to torture someone for it.

"Let's go, then," Iruka sighed, getting up. "With the attack, security around Tsunade-sama's going to be extremely tight-"

"How tight?" Kakashi-san asked brightly. Iruka couldn't help but think that the comment was far too typical.

"Tight enough," Umino-san grumbled. "We don't all want to be late like you are, even to things like Anbu meetings."

Kakashi-san took that moment to look sharply at Umino-san, though Iruka currently had no idea why. He turned and went to his door, and heard two sets of footsteps behind him. Today, he was feeling paranoid, so after they had all exited, instead of locking his door in the conventional manner, he flashed hand signs to lock the door and reinforce the walls. If someone wanted to break into his home today, they'd find unbreakable walls and a door that would hold them in place. Iruka idly wondered if some young fool in town was feeling lucky enough to try.

Iruka took a deep breath, ignored the twitching burn in his legs, and leapt to the nearest roof, feeling more than hearing his companions behind him. Even in this manner, it took only a few minutes to reach Hokage Tower. Two Anbu, as usual, stood at the entranceway, but unusually, Iruka felt the presence of several more at all the lookout locations. He quietly approved of that; should anyone try a sniper shot at the Hokage or anyone of a similar rank, that unfortunate person would find a quick ambush and a thorough beating.

The Anbu looked them over, and all three patiently submitted to a search. Umino-san in particular protested this step. "Dammit," she snarled. "Touch me there only if you'll be buying me a drink first!"

Iruka chuckled at that, reminded of his own thoughts (was it nearly two days ago?) when he was entering the Tower, then inhaled sharply as the Anbu patted down his groin. "That's not a lethal weapon, Anbu-san, unless you're on the third date," he growled, pushing the hand away. "And that's only if I _like_ you."

"That's not what I've heard, Iruka-kun," Kakashi-san said dryly. Iruka felt a brief flash of irritation at the attractive jounin who didn't have to endure this humiliation yet. A faint gray haze took over Iruka's sight for a moment, before it cleared. "I've heard you're-"

"Good, you're here," another voice said without preamble, distracting Iruka from the sensation of a gloved hand prodding the back of one knee. He had to prevent himself from twitching for an entirely different reason. Looking up, he was shocked to see the Hokage herself standing there, arms crossed over her ample bosom and tapping a sandaled foot. Instead of her usual attire of short pants and an altered kimono top, she was clad in typical Anbu garb of a black tanktop, black pants, and standard-issue equipment pouches. She even wore a hitae-ate around her left bicep. Virtually the only feature that would identify her as the Hokage to any knowledgeable outsiders was the unusual size of her chest. Realizing the weapons search was over, Iruka took a moment to wonder if so much contact with Tsunade-sama was giving him a chest complex.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Umino-san cross her own arms over her chest, and had to smile to himself. If he was developing such a thing, he wasn't the only one.

Kakashi-san was making low tones of displeasure in his throat as his own personal searching commenced, and Iruka actually did smile this time, though not without reservations. "It can't be safe for you to be down here, Hokage-sama.."

"Safe enough, Iruka-kun," she replied without moving from her position. "You'll be expedited to my office after this point. Don't dawdle." And she vanished.

"That was a genjutsu," Umino-san said with some awe. "She wasn't even here."

Iruka started to reply, then stopped himself. The grin came back, with somewhat more feeling to it than before. "Let's not keep Hokage-sama waiting, then," he said.  
"Don't leave me here," Kakashi-san implored. Iruka turned and chuckled before he could stop himself. In an effort to speed up the process, both Anbu were participating in the search. Right now, Kakashi-san's eye was wide with some panic as one Anbu briskly felt up and between his legs, and another patted him across the chest. The panic in the one eye turned into a glare, and Iruka raised his arms placatingly.

"Of course not," he said, not without a faint bit of amusement. "Umino-san and I will just wait here and watch."

The glare intensified, but Iruka chose to ignore it. If the jounin hadn't wanted an audience for this, then he should have let them leave. Granted, Iruka felt a bit of pity on the jounin for having to endure what he and Umino-san had, but the pity wasn't strong enough to override his amusement. Like Iruka had always told his students, laughing at someone wasn't a good idea since the next person to be laughed _at_ was usually the person who laughed _first._

He usually tried to be a good teacher and emulated what he told his students, but some things were too funny to ignore.

Finally, Kakashi-san was freed from the Anbu's tender caresses and the three continued their procession into Hokage Tower. Iruka kept twitching, though, feeling eyes on him from numerous Anbu hidden within the very woodwork of the building. The checkpoints had been replaced with chakra traps, and while they weren't stopped, detours clearly were not encouraged. Umino-san, almost as though she was experimenting with their current scrutiny, slowed her pace a floor or two before reaching their destination, and an Anbu appeared so fast Iruka almost walked straight into him. Or her. It was often difficult to tell with the mask and bindings some of them used, Iruka felt. Either way, the message had been clear, and Umino-san didn't try the same trick again.

Reaching the Hokage's office, they were met by a shimmering chakra shield and a fierce-looking Shizune and Tonton, clearly ready for trouble and intolerant of nonsense. The glowing energy made it impossible to look inside the office or to even see whether or not the previously ruined had been repaired or shut.

Iruka, at that moment, couldn't care less if Tonton decided he was a play-toy and wanted to chew on him. He just wanted to be debriefed, enter a planning session, and sleep for an entire day. Rather, he wanted to consume his refrigerator without salt first, then sleep for an entire day. The small amount of energy the impromptu breakfast had given him had worn off, and his patience was going with it.

Shizune, it seemed, had approved of what she had seen, so with a few gestures she deliberately made behind her back, the chakra shield dispersed, and they were met with the sight of repaired, open doors, and an empty office. With a glance at his two companions, Iruka walked in, Kakashi-san slightly ahead, and Umino-san slightly behind. Shizune followed them in. Once she had stepped inside the office, the doors swung shut. The office still appeared empty. Each one of the windows had been repaired with boards, making the lighting seem dimmer than usual. The large desk was, in contrast, the cleanest Iruka had ever seen it, except in the Sandaime's day. That seriously raised his suspicions, which hadn't lowered appreciably since the attack.

"Over here."

Turning, Iruka saw the Hokage seemingly materialize out of one of the boards covering the windows to his right. Umino-san didn't seem concerned, and Kakashi's mask was so concealing that it would have been difficult to tell if an eyebrow had been raised. He didn't see Shizune's reaction since she had remained behind to presumably guard the door.

Tsunade-sama walked toward the center of the room, stopped, and sank down into a crosslegged seat. With some confusion, everyone did the same, Iruka wincing a little as his tired body contorted. He noticed that his Hokage was wearing the Anbu outfit her kage-bunshin (genjustsu?) had on earlier, except that her hitae-ate was nowhere to be seen. Instead, silver bands surrounded her deceptively slim upper arms, and similar bands covered her wrists, all dulled so they would not glint when light struck them.

"I'll make this brief," Tsunade-sama said with a sigh. "The interrogation Ibiki-kun and his merry band did yielded fruit and proper information faster than any of us had a right to expect. That was the first and only wave of attacks we are likely to fear."

"Hokage-sama," Umino-san said diffidently," can we expect them to have told the truth? What if there are others hidden there with similar plans-"

"Getting there, Umino-chan," Tsunade-sama replied, making Iruka twitch. He remembered hating that particular nickname as a child, and even hearing it used on someone else wasn't pleasant. He didn't fail to note that Umino-san herself had made a small motion of distaste. That somehow made him feel better.

Tsunade-sama didn't seem to have noticed either his or his counterpart's reaction, and continued the meeting. "I sent several of my summons, as well as the Anbu in reserve, out in all directions to confirm the information as soon as I dismissed you. Thanks to Naruto's new jutsu, we were able to tell if they were lying, but better safe than sorry, as the old saying goes."

"Hokage-sama, did you wish to send me out as well?" Kakashi-san asked politely.

Iruka saw Tsunade-sama's mouth open, and he beat her to it. "What, so you can crash down half-dead of chakra exhaustion somewhere?" He heard Umino-san snort in surprised laughter, but he wasn't done yet. "That has to be-"

"A valid concern," interjected the Hokage with a frown. "Kakashi-kun, I don't need to send you out, though the offer is appreciated. That and I don't want to have to heal you after you use up every single reserve in that skinny body of yours." The Hokage paused, then added, "brat."

Iruka hid a small smile, but the Hokage hadn't finished talking. "That's all the debriefing I've got. Now tell me what you went through, starting with you, Iruka-kun." For good measure, the Hokage deliberately pointed at the male Iruka. Taking a deep breath, he detailed how he had been awoken, the mad dash to the school, and his discovery of the earth-trap jutsu. He left out the manner in which he and the Anbu had taken out the enemy, as he figured the Hokage herself wasn't interested and he didn't want Kakashi-san knowing too many of his tricks. Umino-san didn't factor into his decision in the slightest.

Finishing his part of the debriefing, he listened to Umino-san and Kakashi-san deliver their own reports calmly, often asking each other to pause while the other embellished on some point. It was clear to Iruka that the two of them had worked superlatively well together, though the disgruntlement evident in Kakashi-san's voice when he spoke of Umino-san's initial detours made it clear that one person in this room did not share Iruka's opinion. The thought of his female counterpart and Kakashi-san working together gave him a small twinge, though he had no real idea as to why.

Tsunade-sama nodded often, listening intently, and Iruka knew she was taking mental notes almost verbatim. It had been part of her training as a medi-nin to memorize what she observed, and the talent was being put to good use in her dual roles as lead medi-nin and Hokage of Konoha. Iruka, letting his mind drift, remembered Sakura-chan telling him about her training, and how hard it was to even start traning herself into having the eidetic memory the Hokage herself was demonstrating at that very moment.

"Are we done here?" The question, asked bluntly by Kakashi-san, brought Iruka back to himself with a small start. No one was looking at him, but he still felt an uncomfortable blush warming his cheeks for displaying his inattention.

"I don't see why not, brat," Tsunade-sama said calmly, not appearing offended by the tone. "We're all damn tired and it looks like the attack is an open-and-shut case." She paused, and a small, wicked grin came to her face. "Much like Jiraiya's novels."

"Hokage-sama, please don't insult my favorite author," Kakashi-san protested.

Umino-san, Iruka noticed, grinned at that. "Might be interesting to see Jiraiya-sama become offended at her and try getting her to take it back," she offered. "I'm sure it'd be an excellent display of technique to show the students."

In response, Umino-san was cuffed by the Hokage who, mindful of her strength, did it as lightly as a mother would rest a hand on a newborn. Umino-san still winced. "Girl-brat, don't take that tone with me," Tsunade-sama said wryly. "I wouldn't even bet on it, since I'm sure to win. Also, keep up that kind of sassy talk and I won't tell you what I've figured out about this peculiar appearance of yours."

Iruka perked up at that. "Really? We can both get back to our regular lives?" Pause. "Or whatever?"

"Yes, yes," Tsunade-sama replied dismissively, waving a hand around artlessly. "Having said that, it's going to require more than me to set this right, so after you all go home and recuperate for a day, young Sakura and I will see about setting you two to rights."

Umino-san turned to look at Iruka, and he looked back at her weirdly familiar features, feeling happy about a return to normal finally in sight even as he was disturbed.

"Pity," Kakashi-san said with a sigh. "I'd almost gotten used to her."

"That makes one of you," Shizune-san, almost forgotten, said dryly. "Umino-san, I like you very much, which I expected, but seeing you here alongside Iruka-sensei is still nothing short of disturbing."

"You won't tell us how you figured out how she came to be here?" Kakashi-san asked, a hint of a pleading whine in his voice. "I'm not sure I could wait an entire day."

"You'll have to," Tsunade-sama said implacably. "It's going to take half that time for me to rest myself up, and the rest to research and see to the patients in the hospital. For now, take your small vacation with gratitude for once in your life, you silver-haired brat." Despite the harsh words, there was genuine affection in her voice, and Iruka found himself again having to conceal a smile.

The deceptively youthful Hokage levered herself to her feet, and Iruka and his group hastened to do the same. Iruka sighed deeply as sudden stiffness in his legs made itself known, and he shifted around to try and relieve some of the ache. A chakra-laden hand gestured, and the doors ponderously swung open to allow their exit.

"Return to me tomorrow in the early afternoon," instructed their leader. "No nonsense, no delaying, no stupid excuses." The last part was obviously meant for Kakashi-san, who gave a wry salute in response. The three of them filed out, and Shizune, who followed them out, shut the doors once again, sealing the Hokage inside.

"Tomorrow, then," Shizume said with a small smile for each of them.

"Yes," Umino-san answered for them, looking at Shizune calmly. She turned and walked away, leaving Iruka and Kakashi-san to follow.

A few moments passed where the only sound Iruka heard was their own footsteps. Even in the midst of his exhaustion, he had to smile at the irony of ninja like them being too tired to walk silently. He bet the civilians thought they were superhuman and never got tired. The thought probably should have made him sad; inexplicably, it amused Iruka instead.

"So," Kakashi-san said conversationally.

Umino-san groaned at the same time Iruka did. "Oh, you might as well just come back over," Iruka said with resignation.  
"Might as well see this through to the end," Umino-san said, finishing Iruka's thought.

"I am going to be _so_ happy when I don't have to hear you two do that anymore," Kakashi-san replied.

"Not as happy as us," Iruka sighed, and concentrated on going home.

* * *

_I am fairly certain that I will be able to wrap this story up in two chapters. Anyone have any guesses about what's really going on? There are a few clues in this chapter that may or may not give it all away, but I hope to have a few tricks still up my sleeve. Thank you for your patience with me, and as always, please feel free to leave a review!_


	8. The Apparent

_I'd like to take this time to apologize for how BLASTED LONG it took me to get this chapter ready for your reading pleasure! Real Life always gets me in the most inopportune times, but rest assured, I have come to make up for it with this chapter. While I was in the process of writing this, however, I received my first ever flame. I wasn't sure if I should commemorate it, but I guess part of it bears repeating. Apparently, my Sasuke is boring. You can hear me weeping tears of blood about it, I'm sure, especially considering this fic was never about him, but eh, you can't please everyone._

_So, without further ado, here is the long-awaited chapter before the conclusion of D the M! As always, I do not own the series Naruto, nor do I profit from this in any monetary fashion. Some people have all the luck._

* * *

CHAPTER EIGHT: The Apparent

If this was some form of domestic bliss, Kakashi didn't like it.

The two Irukas, male and female, didn't decide to do what any sensible ninja up half the night, running low on chakra, and recovering from injuries did, which was go home to collapse until awoken. No, those two damnable people (Kakashi himself was uncertain as to when he had stopped thinking of them as one person) decided, of all things, that now was as good a time as any _to go shopping._

Shopping was something Kakashi had never mastered. It involved going out into public (he disliked that), driving a cart (was terrible at that, and made him have to put away his beloved book for the duration), and reading nutritional labels (lacked the patience). Frozen meals were a fixed staple in the Hatake household, along with frozen steaks and dry food for when the nin-ken were summoned. Kakashi was capable of cooking, and had, for a rather long mission a few years ago, posed as a chef to get close to a diner with a nasty penchant for underage children. The training for _that_ particular career had convinced him that, while being a ninja was difficult, frequently painful, and involved a lot of psychological trauma, sharing a kitchen with several other cooks of various talents was far more hazardous to his health.

Kakashi, making use of certain spices and a well-placed dollop of parasitic puree, had only shriveled off the salient parts of the target, caught him up in a genjutsu that made him feel what his victims felt, then tied him to a flagpole naked in the middle of the town wearing a sign that proclaimed his misdeeds. The chefs in there had seemed capable of much worse.

He scowled. Granted, no one would be able to _see_ him scowling behind the mask, but certainly his companions, male and female, would be able to _sense_ how badly he wanted to do them damage right then. Instead, upon entering the marketplace, Kakashi had received a half-hearted glance back and a raised eyebrow from Iruka-san.

Umino-san, damn her (shapely) ass, had taken up a cart and was pushing it sedately across the smooth wooden floor, showing a level of skill Kakashi simply couldn't obtain, despite his being a genius. She glanced briefly at Iruka-san, then headed resolutely toward the produce section. At this rate, Kakashi couldn't see a way out, and he had already followed them this far, so he trailed along. He tried to ignore an inner voice that sounded suspiciously like Pakkun that said he looked like a lost puppy.

Umino-san, reaching the fruit portion of the section, stood examining the display. Kakashi wasn't even pretending to read his book at that point, so he watched her carefully. After a moment, Umino-san picked up a large, pale grey melon and brought it close enough to her face to sniff. She then delicately felt around the tough skin of the fruit, looking for soft spots or open sores.

Kakashi felt suddenly as though he was in a particularly bad pornographic movie. Umino-san had lowered the fruit and it was now in the direct vicinity of her chest, and she was...well, _feeling up_ the melon. Watching her slide her fingers around the globular gourd started feeling slightly wrong, and like any other ninja confronted with something strange and arousing, he stared harder.

"You get the melon yet?" Iruka-san had come back, holding a bag of cucumbers in his right hand, and a bunch of bananas in his left. Kakashi, in the beginnings of what was promising to be an entirely inappropriate erection, had to turn away at the sight. He felt quizzical eyes on him, but explaining that he was getting turned on by _fruit,_ of all things, would simply enhance his reputation of being a pervert. Perhaps he was, if he was getting flushed from watching someone test fruit for ripeness. Or maybe he needed to get laid. Yes. Perhaps.

"Yes, right here, I think," Umino-san said from behind Kakashi. "Those are some pretty incredible looking cucumbers."

Oh, dammit, now even the _dialogue_ was suggestive.

"Trust me, the bananas are even better," Iruka-san replied. "Have you seen how big they are?"

This was rapidly getting worse by the second.

"And how thick, too!" Umino-san clearly had no idea what she was saying.

"I can't wait to get my mouth around some of that melon." Nor did Iruka-san.

"Ooh, you know what we could do? Chop some melon and some banana together! That'd make a great tossed salad!"

Oh, that was _it._

"People call _me_ a pervert?" Kakashi asked, turning around to look at the two. Both wore entirely too innocent looks. "Do you _know _what you're saying?"

Iruka-san had the audacity to look at him as though he had lost his mind. "Um, talking aboug food?"

"Yes!" Kakashi declared. He decided that, for the good of everyone, someone had to stop them from talking so indecently in public. "Exactly! Pervertedly!"

Umino-san looked at him weirdly. "You mean normally?"

"People actually talk like that when picking out fruit?" Kakashi hadn't been shopping for a while since he tended to stock his freezer for months at a time, but he was fairly certain no one talked about food like it was about to be put onto or into someone.

Iruka-san suddenly smiled at him, and Kakashi, in the midst of what he felt to be righteous indignation, felt charmed by that grin, despite himself. "We're talking normally about eating a fruit salad and the quality of the produce. _You're _the one thinking we're talking about something else entirely."

"Now who's the pervert?" Umino-san muttered, mirroring Iruka-san's grin.

That was unfair. Kakashi had been managing to maintain his equilibrium under Iruka-san's sexy smile assault, but he wasn't proof against both of them. He sighed, covered his eye, and twitched the hitae-ate into a slightly more comfortable position out of habit. He knew winning this particular argument wasn't going to happen. Having the two of them staring at him as if he had lost his sanity was bad enough; in addition to that, his semi-excitement had yet to die down from the provocative fruit talk. Kakashi took stock of himself. His chakra was still depleted, his belly was rumbling…and he realized he had gotten flustered from talking about fruit, of all things. No wonder the two were looking at him so oddly.

Kakashi decided that, tired as he was, it was far and away time to exercise damage control. He waved a negligent hand and rubbed the back of his head, deciding that the blush he knew was on his face wasn't too visible. "Oh, forget what I was saying," he said airily. "There must be something else on my mind."

"Wow, I wonder what," Umino-san drawled sarcastically.

"Must not be something we could guess," Iruka-san chimed in, turning the grin into an outright smirk.

Kakashi cursed under his breath. The grin was one thing, but the smirk was devastating. Not. Fair. It wasn't his fault that the more tired he was, the hornier he got. One of his most beloved routines when de-stressing from a tiring mission was curling up with his most explicit Icha Icha books until he fell asleep due to a different kind of exhaustion. Of course, it wasn't often that such delightful masturbation material outside of Jiraiya's book series presented itself to him on such a tempting platter. In Kakashi's half-crazed mind, the platter had fruit on it too.

He again flapped a hand at them. "No, it's nothing, really," he said, trying for a bored tone. "Let's do this. The faster we finish, the sooner we eat, right?"

Iruka-san nodded, and Umino-san just pushed the cart away after putting her melon into the cart.

The trip did indeed speed up after the produce provocation. Several people passed Iruka-san and his female twin without comment, one or two brave souls even waving. Somewhere in Kakashi's mind, that event seemed odd, but the larger part was more occupied with watching the sway of feminine and masculine hips. The dark brown heads often turned toward each other for a moment of soft conversation that Kakashi, even following as closely as he was, still couldn't hear. The cart slowly filled up as they traipsed through aisle after aisle, and Kakashi's patience was starting to ebb more with every squeak of the wheels. Finally, just when he was about to voice a complaint, Umino-san directed the cart into a checkout stand and began unloading it. From somewhere on her person, Umino-san produced two cloth bags, and Iruka-san did the same. The checkout person took the bags without comment, doubtless accustomed to such miraculous appearances after living so long with ninja. He looked up then and smiled a greeting to Iruka-san, then turned to Umino-san with a similar expression that quickly faded away. "Oh, I'm so sorry," the man said. "I thought you were someone else."

Umino-san dismissed this statement with a smile of her own. "No need to worry, sir," she replied. "That happens to me all the time."

The checkout man nodded and quickly rang up the purchases. All four bags ended up being filled, with three small plastic bags added for a total of seven bags to carry. Kakashi thought it was a good thing that there were three of them there, since Iruka-san himself couldn't possibly carry everything. Iruka-san paid with every indication that he was accustomed to buying food on this order of magnitude, which surprised Kakashi. Granted, Iruka-san was home more often than Kakashi himself….

"I get this much in case Naruto comes over," Iruka-san said with a slightly apologetic glance at Kakashi. "He's a growing boy and all. Sorry to make you have to carry so much."

With such a reason as that, the slight bit of resentment Kakashi was starting to feel toward the school-teacher evaporated. Everyone in the village who had at least half a brain knew that Iruka-san doted on Naruto like an older brother. Kakashi himself was fond of the brat too, not that he would ever let _anyone_ know that, much less Naruto. In the spirit of maintaining his appearance of indifference, he made sure to groan with effort when he picked up his portion of baggage. He couldn't have people thinking he did something as mundane as _caring, _after all. He had an image to maintain.

Getting back to Iruka-san's modest apartment took far less time that Kakashi had any right to expect, considering the sheer amount of groceries the three of them carried. He began to hope that there would be food soon. Even considering the near twelve hours of grace Tsunade-sama had afforded them, there was barely enough time to sleep. Kakashi was a firm believer that ten hours of sleep a night made a ninja healthy, wiser, and better able to deal with days where he might not get any proper rest. That and it made genin teams who had to wait for him develop the valuable tool of patience.

Kakashi was a big believer in teaching through tardiness.

"Hand me your bags, Kakashi-san, and I'll put something together to eat before we grab some sleep," Iruka-san instructed, having divested himself of his own burden on the kitchen table. The student papers, held in place only by a red pen, moved a bit from the force of the impact. Kakashi idly noted the top paper appeared to be halfway graded as he handed over his bags.

Less than five minutes later, everything had been put away and there was something delicious smelling on the stove, all displayed before Kakashi's disbelieving eye. "I take it you've had some experience in doing this fast?"

Iruka-san grinned wearily at him. "How else-"

"-would I get things done?" Umino-san finished, her head in the fridge.

Kakashi shuddered. "You already heard this from Tsunade-sama and everyone else, including me, but I will be _so_ glad when I don't have to hear you two do that anymore."

Umino-san took her head from the fridge, shut it, then glanced at Iruka-san. "You may not believe this, but I know I'll feel the same way," she stated firmly. "One of me is enough."

"I agree entirely," Iruka-san said, frowning at the pan filled with food. "This confusion has gone on long enough. The sooner this gets solved, the sooner I can return to my life."

Kakashi glanced at Umino-san and was surprised to see her mouth shut tightly. Perhaps she was stopping herself from another eerie display of sycophancy. Kakashi devoutly prayed for it, and that in itself was a surprise to him. He had never been a big believer in a higher power, excluding his Hokage. Needing something to do to distract himself from the unaccustomed philosophical thoughts, he got some plates from the cabinet where Iruka-san stored them, gathered cutlery, and brought them to the table. He was closely followed by Iruka-san himself, carrying the pan holding whatever had been cooking on the stove.

Umino-san came with glasses of water as Iruka-san spooned food onto each plate. After he finished, the pan was set on the table away from the papers, everyone sat down, and food began to disappear from plates at a speed even Kakashi considered somewhat rude. Iruka-san was the first to finish, and he kept his eyes down for the short amount of time it took Kakashi himself to clear his plate. A clink of cutlery a moment later announced Umino-san had eaten everything. A sigh echoed around the table. Kakashi felt his eye drooping, and regretfully began to stand up. "I have to sleep now, or I'll wake up with food on my mask," he murmured.

"Yeah," Umino-san said. "It's far and away time for sleep." Iruka-san just stood up and stripped down, unaware of Kakashi's suddenly appreciative look. Tanned skin was soon revealed for his viewing, the well-muscled back showing the several scars Kakashi had dimly noticed during the shower...was it less than a day ago? Somehow, he couldn't quite remember. That big scar right on the spine was something he'd never seen on another person before. It was almost as if-

Iruka-san bent down to remove his pants from around his ankles, and Kakashi, seeing that ass presented to him, promptly forgot his train of thought. A gentle touch to his shoulder had him looking, startled, at Umino-san standing to his right. When had she gotten there? He hadn't noticed...

"Hatake-san, you're exhausted," Umino-san said with some kindness. "Let me help you to the futon."

Without any graceful way to refuse, since admitting that he was fine sitting and salivating over the chuunin-sensei's ass would be a great way to be thrown out onto _his_, Kakashi regretfully submitted to her help. With some dismay, Kakashi realized that he actually needed it. Staggering a bit, the two jounin eventually made it to the futon, and with a little trouble, Umino-san eased Kakashi down onto it. Looking over to the soft chair, Kakashi saw with some relief that Iruka-san was already in it, breathing softly with a blanket halfway up his chest. "Rest well," Umino-san said, calling his attention back to her as she made her way to the bedroom.

Tired as he was, Kakashi couldn't resist _one_ little poke before he succombed to sleep. "I don't get to see you strip down too?"

A hand-sign for "fuck you" was the only response he got as his eye closed.

-()()-

Iruka, wide awake and dressed, was once again in the unenviable position of having to wake a sleeping jounin. He never was quite able to figure out why the gods cursed him with this peculiar sort of luck. He had not one, but _two_ jounin sleeping right now, and the only salvation he could see in sight depended on which one he decided to wake first. Then, Iruka concluded, he would have the jounin he woke first awake the other one, and save himself at least half of the anger he expected to receive. Iruka was the kind of person who attempted to savor the smaller things in life.

Deciding to wake up his counterpart first, Iruka made his way to his bedroom that currently sheltered the sole female member of this peculiar group. Pushing open the door, he was relieved to see Umino-san (the jounin, not his long-dead mother) sitting wide awake on his bed. The bed itself was freshly made even to Iruka's exacting standards.

"Time?" Umino-san asked, sounding far more eager than even Iruka felt.

"Yes," he replied, smiling. "Finally."

"Good," she said. "I'm sick of this whole situation. It shouldn't have even happened."

"With luck," Iruka said with some feeling, "it'll never happen again."

She stood up and walked to him, and Iruka ironically bowed her through the doorway first, a courtesy she responded to with an amused snort. They walked in-step and silently toward the living room where Kakashi-san slept. A small mirror hung on the wall adjacent to the bedroom door. Iruka took a quick glance and adjusted his hair, resolutely ignoring the female reflection that had appeared next to his own. The hallway ended and there was the copy-nin, sleeping as though he hadn't a care in the world. Iruka almost envied him the ability to sleep so soundly. Or act very convincingly as though he was. Part of the training in the genin academy was learning the ability to feign sleep, and that skill certainly got regular use in missions. It was merely one of the reasons why waking a sleeping ninja of any level was beyond dangerous.

For a moment, Iruka took the opportunity to just _look_ at Kakashi-san slumbering. The position was as different to the other time as night and day. Before, Kakashi-san had lain nearly perfectly still, with his limbs aligned perfectly and one hand resting on his weapons. Now, Iruka supposed, he must be sleeping as he did when he knew he was in safe territory, which flattered Iruka even as it amused him. Long, deceptively slender limbs were flung around on the soft pad, one leg hanging off, the other bent with the foot braced on the mat. His right arm was cushioning the spiky silver mass of his hair, while the left was folded across his flat belly. Iruka was pleased to see the dark ciricle beneath Kakashi-san's normal eye had nearly disappered, and the skin smoothed out from the lines of worry and strain that had been there.

Even while he gazed at Kakashi-san with some admiration, he had to wonder exactly how restful that position was. Could the man do _anything_ normally?

"How long are you going to stare at me before you decide to get me up?" Kakashi-san's voice, gravelly with sleep, asked. The normal eye slitted open to look up at Iruka. "Or were you thinking of a _different_ way of getting me up?" If the innuendo hadn't been enough to clue Iruka onto what Kakashi was talking about, the eyebrow waggle would probably have done it.

"Good question," Umino-san said blandly from Iruka's side. "I've always wondered if that one technique Ibiki-san taught, the one involving toothpicks, seaweed and miso paste, would actually work."

To his credit, Kakashi-san didn't even flinch, though Iruka himself almost did. "Too well," he said shortly, and stretched luxuriously. Iruka stared a bit at the pale, toned abdomen Kakashi-san's shirt rode up to reveal. Cliche as the comparison to chiseled marble was, Iruka had to wonder if Kakashi-san's eventual retirement plans involved modeling ideal torsos for sculptors.

Relaxing from his stretch, Kakashi-san sat up, looking far more alert than he had before they'd all gone to sleep. "When are we due at Hokage-sama's office?" He asked.

"In an hour," Iruka replied. "I know she'd prefer it if we were early," he added as a not-so-subtle hint.  
"Punctuality is overrated," Kakashi-san grumbled, but obligingly stood up and continued stretching the kinks out of his body. Iruka suddenly realized that the jounin was slightly taller than him, and wondered why he had missed that fact before. Discretely, he wiped off the beginnings of some very unmanly drool and the smile that wanted to stretch his mouth. A sidelong glance at Umino-san revealed a similar grin was fighting its way across her disturbingly similar features, but she turned away before Kakashi-san could look. "If you two get cleaned up, I'll get some sandwiches ready for us," she said calmly.

"Don't you have to wash?" Kakashi-san asked.

"I woke up earlier than both of you and did that," she shot back serenely, making her way toward the kitchen. "Now hurry up."

"Yes, ma'am," was the sarcastic reply. Kakashi-san walked toward the bathroom and Iruka followed him. Kakashi-san busied himself washing his hands while Iruka splashed water onto his face and soaped his own hands. Iruka handed his temporary boarder a small towel before he took one and dried himself. The mirror showed him looking far less tired and more put together than he actually felt. Good.

"Done?" Iruka asked. Kakashi-san nodded. "Then let's go. I'm sure our sandwiches are ready by now."

"Nice to have a woman around the house," Kakashi-san said softly as they exited the bathroom.

"I wouldn't know," Iruka replied. "It's new to me."

"It's not just women either, you silly men," Umino-san said, holding out two wrapped sandwiches. The smell of warm meat wafted out of the wrapping, and Iruka was embarrassed to hear his stomach growl. "It's just a matter of preparedness."

"Whatever you say," Kakashi-san said, taking the sandwich with a little nod of gratitude. "I know that I never have ready-made food around the house."

"Then you're not prepared enough," Iruka said before Umino-san could. "If you have easy to make food around, you'll eat out less. Being a ninja just means that you're more likely to die from enemy attack, but not taking care of your body by eating potentially bad food can do it almost as fast."

"And more painfully, depending on the food," Umino-san concluded, wiping some crumbs off her mouth. Iruka supposed she must have eaten her own food while making theirs.

Kakashi-san threw up his hands, careful not to let the sandwich go flying. "I give up," he grumbled.  
"The first step to true wisdom," Iruka stated, trying to not let a smirk twist his lips. The narrowed one-eyed glare Kakashi-san sent his way told him he hadn't succeeded.

Making their way out the door, Iruka once again sealed it against entry, and they were off again across the rooftops. Iruka managed to eat tidily along the way, and with some amusement, he noted the sandwich Kakashi-san had had was gone right as they landed on the first rooftop. Or before, perhaps. Iruka had been cultivating the habit of not watching the masked man eat the past few days.

The old familiar problem of being felt up by the Hokage's guards surfaced once again at the entrance to the Tower, but all of them bore it with grace and only the minimal amount of griping about the areas being felt. Minimal for Iruka, anyway. He knew they were just doing their jobs, but he could have _sworn_ one of the guards had lingered longer on his crotch than strictly necessary. Since the guard in question was a man with wrists thicker around than Iruka's biceps, Iruka didn't think getting to know the Anbu intimately was a good idea and made sure the man _knew _it.

Finally, the inspection ended and they were allowed to go see their leader. Progress rising through the Tower was faster than usual, possibly due to the fact that they were expected. This didn't seem to excuse the initial difficulty trying to get into the Tower a few days ago when Naruto had wanted to show him that jutsu that had started it all, but Iruka was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

The doors had been fully repaired and closed in the time Tsunade-sama had given them to rest, sitting properly in their frames once again. He was happy to see that Shizune-san had changed clothes and freshened up after they had left, and only hoped their Hokage had done the same. She greeted them all with a wan smile. "The Hokage is awaiting you inside," she said. "Go right in."

"It's nice not having delays," Umino-san muttered.

"You didn't want her to feel you up too?" Kakashi-san sniped at her just as quietly.

"Apparently not as much as you did," Iruka said in a normal voice, opening the door and walking through.

The Hokage's office looked much better than it had when Iruka had left. The windows were half replaced with their usual one-way glass, the detritus of battle had been cleared away (thankfully, since it involved a lot of blood and splintered bone, courtesy of Tsunade-sama's monstrous strength), and the desk once more stood in its rightful place. The Hokage herself, garbed in her usual robe and short pants, sat behind it, looking somewhat more refreshed. Iruka felt better seeing her out of Anbu garb; her former outfit was deliberately militant, and not in keeping with her day-to-day personality.

"Sit down, you three," their Hokage said, not even looking up from a paper she was scrutinizing. "The other brats will be here in a few minutes and then we'll begin."

Iruka didn't sit, and noticed his two companions didn't take the chairs offered either. "Why do we need more people for this, Hokage-sama?" He asked. "I thought you said this was all figured out."

"And it is, Iruka-kun," Tsunade-sama said calmly, looking up from her paper. "But we need _other_ people here to truly put this entire situation _to rest_."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," Iruka said with a small sigh. He had noticed her meaningful looks and inflections, and held his peace.

Kakashi-san, however, didn't. "Other people?" He asked doubtfully. "Who else would be involved with this….this, uh…" Unable to think of an appropriate word, he gestured at Iruka and his female counterpart with a helpless sort of hand-waggle.

Iruka snorted. "Can't you say 'problem,' Kakashi-san?" He asked with amusement.

"I don't want to be here any more than you want me to be here," Umino-san took that moment to add, rolling her eyes. "It's not like _I_ wasn't ripped away from what I had been doing or anything."

The sarcasm apparently went over Kakashi-san's head. "Having you here's been nothing but trouble anyway!"

"You weren't saying that when she stopped that kunai from flying into the back of your head during the attack," Iruka said wryly. Noting the look of mild shock coming from Umino-san and Kakashi-san, he added, "she told me afterwards."

Kakashi-san nodded. "True," he admitted. "Fine, she's occasionally useful. Happy?"

"Ecstatic," Umino-san said dryly. "I don't think you could do your job as well as you do if you were perforated."

The jounin's sole visible eye rolled. "I somehow doubt that myself."

Fortunately for the continued peace in the room (in Iruka's mind), there was a soft knocking on the door. "Get in here," ordered the Hokage in a loud voice. The door then opened to admit Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke. All three wore looks of curious interest on their faces; surprisingly, on Sasuke, it was possible to tell. "You called for us, baa-chan?" Naruto asked, then ducked Sakura's swung fist.

"Idiot! Be polite to Tsunade-shishou," she scolded.

"Sakura-chan, she _told_ me I was allowed to call her that—"

"Enough, the both of you," Sasuke interjected at the precise moment Naruto ran out of breath. Iruka admired the timing. "How can we help, Hokage-sama?"

Tsunade-sama sighed at the over-formality of the Uchiha. "I only really needed Sakura-chan and Naruto-kun, Sasuke-kun," she said. "Do you have input regarding this matter?"

"None," replied Sasuke coolly. Though it appeared Tsunade-sama was waiting for him to elaborate, long experience told Iruka that there was no intention of doing so. Sasuke was, as always, Sasuke, doing things for his own reasons, Iruka thought with an internal smile. The reason in this case probably coincided with Naruto's presence.

After a long moment, Tsunade-sama blew out a breath. "Fine, you black-haired brat, you can stay," she declared. "This isn't a secret thing anyway now. Sakura-chan, if you would be so kind?"

The pink-haired teenager nodded, laced her hands together, and flexed them. "Yes, shishou," she said confidently. Iruka suddenly had the thought that the boy-crazy preteen he had taught no longer existed. He wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad about it.

"I'll need you both to remove your shirts and face away from me," Sakura-chan continued.

"Uh, excuse me?" Umino-san and Iruka said simultaneously. The only distraction from his momentary discomfort was seeing the normally stoic Uchiha actually _flinch._

"You heard me, sensei," Sakura-chan said resolutely. "This has to do with explaining the peculiarities of your chakra."

Iruka was scared, but the fright lasted only as long as it took his former student to actually wink at him. He felt more reassured immediately.

Facing away from both his Hokage and his former students, Iruka resolutely unzipped his flak jacket, removed it, and pulled his shirt above his head and off. Watching Umino-san mirroring his movements out of the corner of his eye hardened his newly formed resolution that, should the copy-nin take that moment to do something crass like _whistle_, former Anbu or no, he would _murder_ him.

Silence fell in the room, and Iruka glanced over his shoulder to see why everyone was being so quiet. To a person, everyone was staring at the scar in the middle of his back. Looking toward Umino-san, he was unsurprised to note that she had the same mark in the same location, even through the customary chest-wrappings. Sakura looked surprised. Sasuke looked disturbed. Kakashi-san's eye had widened. He wasn't sure if the jounin had seen his back even when he had inadvertently stripped or bathed in front of him, so he supposed the shock was understandable. The Hokage looked grim and Naruto looked like he was about to cry. Iruka couldn't take that expression on Naruto's face.

"It doesn't even ache in bad weather," he said soothingly. "I only notice it when those old retired ninja in the onsen start comparing old war stories and ask me when I got mine."

"Those old perverts," Umino-san grumbled, obviously having had some experiences in that vein. "Then they had to _touch_ it so they knew it wasn't some messed-up body art."

That got an uneasy laugh out of the gathered ninja. Naruto, Iruka was relieved to see, stopped looking sad, which was all he cared about.

Sakura shook herself and regained her professional aura. "Okay, so, I'm going to use a special visualizing powder to demonstrate the chakra connection," she said, reaching into a pouch. "This is so the people in this room who cannot see chakra paths-"

"The non medico-nin in the room, in other words," Tsunade-sama interjected.

"-yes, shishou," Sakura acknowledged, looking grateful. "So others who aren't medico-nin can see them."

"Go ahead," Umino-san said, clutching her shirt to her chest. "I'll just be grateful when I can get a shirt back on."

"It also stains clothes, so that's why I had you remove your shirts," Sakura said apologetically. The hand in the pouch withdrew, holding a pile of dull, green powder. Without any further ceremony, she threw it twice, some to land on Iruka's back, some to land on Umino-san's.

Iruka coughed; the powder had an acrid smell that burned his nose, and heard his counterpart gasping slightly to his left. Almost as soon as the discomfort arrived, it left, and suddenly Iruka saw glowing lines in the air. Some of them, thick and strong, were connecting him to Umino-san, but he saw no lines from her to him.

"As you can see," Sakura said in her professional tone, "the chakra lines are clearly stronger going from our male Iruka-sensei, and they're connecting her to him."

"So the whole theory about her being from _elsewhere,_ could be true?" Sasuke asked skeptically.

"If Naruto messed up the jutsu the way Tsunade-shishou and Kakashi-sensei suspected," Sakura said serenely.

"I don't know how I could have messed the jutsu up, though!" Naruto didn't seem convinced by the explanation. "I practiced it tons of times, and everyone except Sakura-chan watched me do it! Did I make a mistake?"

Silence answered him, until, finally, Sasuke was the one to break it. "One finger was slightly out of alignment, but your signs were otherwise perfect."

"Well, then!" Naruto exclaimed. "I didn't do it completely wrong!"

"You didn't do it completely _right, _either." Sasuke paused a moment, then added, "dobe."

A mere second later, a black-gloved fist crashed down onto Sasuke's head, astonishing them all. Sakura punching Sasuke, in Iruka's mind, was like Naruto declaring ramen was evil. Yet, he could not deny the proof of Sasuke rubbing his head and gazing at Sakura like she was possessed.

"You be _nice_ to Naruto, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said sternly, glaring at the dark-haired boy. "You two aren't kids anymore, and I'm not going to stand here and watch you insult him for a slight misalignment anyone could have done!"

"Even if it was the thing that caused this?" Sasuke defended himself. Iruka couldn't help but think the Uchiha's expression was almost...dumbstruck. Umino-san had a similar expression.

"If it did, then it did, but you are _not _going to tell me that your signs are always picture-perfect," Sakura growled. "Who was it that nearly burned a fish to death last week because his fingers were clenched too hard?"

Black eyes glared daggers at Sakura, but just as he opened his mouth, a hand belonging to Tsunade-sama slashed down at the air between them. "Enough, brats," she ordered, not looking unamused. "Sakura, continue with your explanation."

"Shishou," Sakura murmured dulcently, ignoring the infuriated Uchiha. Iruka made up his mind to find out when Sakura had started standing up to the boy she'd once wanted to marry.

"Anyway," she continued, "the sign that was potentially out of alignment could have created the chakra connection between these two, and since the person casting the jutsu happens to be the one person in Konoha with a chakra reserve big enough, the energy could well have _pulled_ her here." Sakura spread her hands wide. "I'm not entirely certain of the findings, Tsunade-shishou, but after our discussion, it's the only plausible explanation I can currently come up with."

Kakashi-san nodded once. "So, break the connection and everything goes back to normal?"

"Essentially," Sakura answered. "Iruka probably shouldn't break it himself-"

"I'll do it," the jounin volunteered a little too quickly. Iruka saw Umino-san frown slightly at that, and knew he was frowning too. "Anything to get things back to normal."

"Guess the twin fantasy didn't pan out," Naruto muttered snidely, only to receive an elbow in the ribs from Sasuke as a reward. To his dismay, Iruka saw his Hokage attempting to cover a smile, and noted she was failing miserably.

Getting herself under control, Tsunade-sama stood up straighter. "Very well, then," she said with authority. "Do you see the weakest point of the connection, Kakashi-kun? Aim for there. With permission, of course?" This last to Umino-san, who had a faint look of relief on her face.

"To end this fiasco? You certainly do have my permission, Hokage-sama!" She smiled. "Not that this hasn't been _fun,_ of course, but nothing to repeat any time soon."

"Not without need," Tsunade-sama replied.

Iruka saw that Kakashi-san had a funny look on his face following that statement, but decided to ignore it. "Let's just do this," he said. "No long goodbyes, no nothing."

Umino-san nodded firmly. "It's been interesting," she said. "I'll just be happy to go back to what I was doing."

With that, Kakashi-san calmly did a few hand seals. Then he paused. Fidgeted a little. Looked from side to side.

"What is with the delay?" Iruka demanded.

Kakashi-san actually looked a little embarrassed. Iruka thought that both cute and somewhat disturbing. "Would you two please get dressed first?"

A snicker echoed around the room, but no one tried to find out who had done it.

Sighing, both Iruka and Umino-san put their shirts and flak vests back on. "Ready," Umino-san stated.

"Then I'll begin," Kakashi-san responded, giving her a nod. The jutsu, held in check, crackled slightly. Walking forward, Kakashi-san delivered a precise palm-strike to the center of the pattern. Iruka cried out, feeling a brief tugging at his own chakra, seeing nothing but smoke-

-and suddenly no one was next to him, the smoke was gone, and several faces were too close to him for comfort. He backpedaled in startlement, and looked around. Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Tsunade-sama and Kakashi-san looked as normal as when they had entered the room, but no Umino-san was in evidence. The only potential abnormality was the new look of skepticism in Kakashi-san's eye, but Iruka was beyond caring at this point. He felt overjoyed at the possibility of his life going back to its usual procedure after the hellish events of the past two days.

With a deep breath, Iruka stretched his arms over his head, knowing that the jounin was giving him a not-so-subtle once over. He saw Naruto and Sasuke simultaneously roll their eyes. Sakura and Tsunade-sama simply looked him over with the medico-nin's trademark dispassionate assessment.

"I'm glad to be myself again," Iruka declared, and smiled at the group. "Now, I want to go home. I haven't started grading and the students are _not_ going to wait for their exam results just because of the attack!"

* * *

_And there you have it. Some major clues as to the situation have been posted throughout this chapter, and that is part of where the difficulty in writing it lay. What to put in, so I didn't give away the situation before the climatic epiphany? I am sad to say it took me a while, but pleased as punch that I managed to write it all. Please feel free to leave me a review and tell me what you think! _


	9. The Actuality

_I sincerely and utterly apologize for the delay! Life handed me a few lemons these past few months, but finally, after November, I was able to finish this chapter. It was already finished in my head, but I participated in NaNoWriMo and I actually managed to succeed and fail all at the same time. It was original, which means I won't be posting it here, but it also meant that I had no attention for any of the fics I had running, which unfortunately included this one! Well, with no further ado and many more apologies, I present to you the final chapter of D the M! Please enjoy!_

* * *

CHAPTER NINE: The Actuality

The stressors of the past two days were done, no enemy ninja were attacking or currently _stupid_ enough to attack, and Kakashi was nearly fully rested and feeling as fit as he could have expected. He felt overjoyed at the realization that there were going to be no simultaneous voices roaring in stereo using the same words. Iruka-san was merely one person again; the same disturbingly attractive chuunin he had been before the mysterious appearance of a female jounin with the same face, body type and name. Seeing him standing by himself in Tsunade-sama's office, chatting amiably with his students, should _not_have been setting off strange alarms in Kakashi's head. For some reason, however, it was.

Iruka-san was calmer than he should have been, given the circumstances. Granted, it wasn't as if Kakashi himself had had to deal with his female doppleganger (he shuddered at the mere thought) and an uninvited jounin (he was honest enough with himself to know how much of a bother he had been) taking up space in his bachelor's pad, give or take the ill-timed attack of what must have been all the missing-nin from all the Five Countries combined. Still, the tanned man looked far too relaxed to have just gone through such ordeals.

"All of you, get out of my office," Tsunade-sama ordered with some good humor. "I'm breaking out the good sake."

"Baa-chan, can I have some?" Naruto asked eagerly. "Ero-sennin never lets me have any of his stash!"

"Jiraiya was being smart for once, brat," Tsunade-sama barked. "You're not having any of this until you turn eighteen. End of discussion."

"But that's two months away!"

"And the wait will be sweeter, Naruto," Iruka-san said soothingly, running fingers through the blond's hair affectionately. "You remember I have that bottle in reserve waiting for you, right?"

Naruto jumped up and down for joy, gleefully fox-grinning, and Kakashi was distracted from his thoughts at the sight of young Sasuke actually unbending enough to turn the corners of his mouth up in what _might_ have been a smile at Naruto's antics. To any of the unobservant, it looked as though the frown had simply smoothed a touch. Kakashi approved.

"Now that we're all clear that _no __underage __drinking_ is going to happen in my office, all of you, out," the Hokage ordered again. "I am still processing paperwork, and Shark will be by soon to escort me for a village inspection."

Kakashi didn't know what had compelled him to look at Iruka-san just now, but the question on his mind was, did he actually see the chuunin _sigh _at that statement? The exhalation lasted a fraction of a second, and Iruka-san was then nodding and stating assent to Tsunade-sama as he made his way out of her office, but that set Kakashi's suspicions at the foremost of his mind all over again. Making his own parting comment to his leader, he made his way out, being sure to clap each of his former genin team on the back, his way of saying "well done." After giving Sakura her small accolade, he found himself face-to-face with Iruka-san. "This seems to be goodbye, Kakashi-san," the brunet said with some relief and amusement. "Shall I walk you out of the Tower?"

"My my, sensei," Kakakshi said, somewhat on autopilot. "Do you always walk your dates home after a fun time out?"

A small grin appeared on the schoolteacher's face. "I have always strived to be a gentleman _and_ a ninja." While saying that, he turned and began the trip down the hallway, Kakashi following him. Their former students had fallen behind, chattering amongst themselves.

Walking alongside Iruka-san had Kakashi thinking even more furiously than usual. _Why_ did he suddenly feel so suspicious? There was no one more loyal to village and Hokage than Umino Iruka. He had gotten proof of that in the aftermath of the missing-nin attack, seeing the man bruised and beaten. If the female Iruka was anything like the male one, then both would sooner die than allow a civilian or another ninja to come to harm.

A sidelong glance (fortunately, the teacher was to his right) didn't answer his paranoia any more than his thoughts had. Brown hair in a neat spiky ponytail, scar across the nose, tanned skin, a good-looking face, and the fairly typical chuunin uniform and spare body type most ninja shared. Attractive, and Kakashi knew he wasn't immune. He just wanted to know what that guileless face was hiding.

"If you were thinking any harder, smoke would be coming out of your ears," Iruka-san said softly, reaching a stairwell. Ironically, he gestured for Kakashi to go ahead of him, which the jounin did.

"I try to keep the gears in my mind as well-oiled as possible to prevent that," Kakashi replied, putting a hand on the railing as he descended. "Had kunai flung at my head on missions one too many times while trying to think my way out of traps."

"Did it help?" A grin was on the chuunin's face, and Kakashi had to resist the urge to blush.

Kakashi scratched the top of his head. "Well, aside from the other night, no one has tried to aerate my head since, so I think so."

A genuine laugh came from Iruka-san then, and Kakashi was thankful that he had reached the bottom of the stairs so that he could better conceal the stumble that sound had caused. He didn't think that he had been this attracted to Iruka-san initially, and though he didn't mind having crushes, he had to wonder why this one had sprung up so quickly.

_Why_ was this chuunin making him think so damn much? If he thought any harder, smoke _would _be pouring out of his ears, joke or no.

Kakashi sighed and waited for Iruka-san to reach the bottom so they could go on together. A moment later, he had the teacher at his side again and they continued walking. Since many of the hallways in Hokage Tower looked similar and he had been there many times before, Kakashi didn't bother looking around to see the paintings on the walls, or the view some of the windows displayed. When darkness with a porcelain mask detailing far too many teeth appeared at the other end of the hall, Kakashi noticed right away, and figured that Shark-san had decided to fetch their Hokage from her office for the inspection.

With Iruka-san on his right and perfectly in step with him, Kakashi resolutely made his way toward the Anbu, as the Anbu was making his way toward them. Soft steps were audible out of courtesy on both sides of the stretch, and as they met in the middle, for a moment, Kakashi looked at the slightly shorter Anbu and noted him looking at him, then slightly past him. As the Anbu kept moving, he noticed Iruka giving the Hokage's bodyguard a nod, as if something had passed between them.

Doubts once again reared their heads in Kakashi's mind. What had just happened? Why would Iruka-san and the Anbu know each other? From all that his fellow jounin had told them, Iruka-san wasn't involved with anyone higher ranked than jounin on a daily basis. When would the busy schoolteacher have time to meet any Anbu, notorious for being busy (and highly secretive) themselves? Kakashi should know, since he had been Anbu for a time himself!

"_...I want to go home. I haven't started grading and the students are not going to wait for their exam results just because of the attack!"_

Kakashi remembered Iruka-san saying that very sentence not too long ago, and if the chuunin was too busy grading papers to even have much of a social life (there were times Kakashi was grateful for Naruto's big mouth), then perhaps it was just the acknowledgement of one comrade-in-arms to another. No big deal.

"Kakashi-san? We're at the bottom."

"Oh?" Kakashi looked around and cursed himself. They were at the base of the Tower, and the Anbu guards were looking at them with curiosity thick enough to taste. How had they gotten there without Kakashi noticing?

"You must be pretty spaced out," one of the Anbu mentioned with a leer. "What happened up there, anyway?"

"None of your business, Lotus," Kakashi said, recognizing the speaker. This person had been with Iruka-san keeping the academy safe.

"Seems you lost a companion there," Lotus continued, not seeming fazed with Kakashi's deliberate rudeness.

"Yes, my female counterpart is no longer with us," Iruka-san stated with finality. "End of discussion."

There was an ominous feeling silence from Lotus when the chuunin spoke so firmly, but Iruka-san looked at the Anbu fearlessly, refusing to be intimidated. A moment later, Lotus was the one to break the eye contact.

Subtly, Kakashi used the hand in his pocket to adjust the fit of his pants. Why _that_ had turned him on, he didn't know.

"I did believe I promised to see you out of the Tower, Kakashi-san," Iruka-san said after a moment. "We are now out."  
"We do appear to be, yes," Kakashi got out. Did he just have the feeling of _missing_ this snarky chuunin?

"Well, we're out, and now, I'm going to go back to my apartment and grade papers," Iruka-san declared. "Preferably alone."

Scratch that. Kakashi didn't think he'd miss the chuunin _one __little __bit._

"Fine," Kakashi said, trying to sound nonchalant. "Go and grade your papers. Maybe I'll see you around."

Iruka-san actually had the nerve to smirk at him. "Maybe."

With that, the chuunin walked away from him. The brown-haired bastard even succeeded in putting a little sashay into his step. Kakashi refused to acknowledge the way he was watching the well-shaped ass swaying as Iruka-san headed toward his home. A muffled, suspicious-sounding cough from Lotus startled him out of his scrutiny and he decided to head home. Sighing, he performed the signs of the teleportation jutsu and, with a puff of smoke, he was in his little living room. Pakkun was there, reclining on a small pillow Kakashi had purchased just for him. The small pug wrinkled his nose at him. "You reek of the lead-bitch and your old brats, boss," he noted.

"I was just with Hokage-sama, yes," Kakashi said, stripping off his mask and flak jacket. "I hope you don't let her hear you call her that."

"She did once," the small dog replied with a sigh, laying his head down on his forepaws. "She actually laughed and scratched my head. Good scratch, too."

Kakashi declined to comment as he removed the uniform he'd been wearing for the past few days. Taking a deep breath, he coughed a little. "Why didn't anyone _tell_ me I smelled so bad?" He demanded of his canine companion.  
"I don't think it was on the top of anyone's minds, boss," the dog said helpfully. "You smell like that teacher too. That's a nice smell."

"He does smell nice, doesn't he?" Kakashi agreed.

Pakkun lifted his head off his forepaws to give his awkward nod. Kakashi could never see that without having to suppress a smile. Dog bodies were just not quite able to make that motion look natural. This time was no different.

"Don't think I can't smell that amusement coming off you a mile away, boss," the dog warned, cocking his head. "You really do smell of the teacher, though. Super strong."

"I had just spent two days in his exclusive company," Kakashi pointed out. "Well, him and that female counterpart of his."

"That bitch next to you while you were protecting lead-bitch?"

"I really wish you wouldn't keep calling women 'bitches,' but yes," Kakashi sighed.

"Habit," the dog offered by way of explanation. "At least when I do it, no one can accuse me of being rude in a human way."

The dog had a point.

Kakashi had left his undergarments on by way of politeness, even though his ninken weren't bound by human sensibilities. Therefore, when his dog got up, padded over to him, stood on hind paws and very deliberately stuck his nose in his crotch, he couldn't help but let out a very unmanly yelp and shift to cover the parts in question.

"What the _hell_ are you doing, Pakkun?" He demanded.

"I'd have thought that'd be obvious, boss," Pakkun drawled, somehow managing a sarcastic look. "I didn't think you'd tumbled that teacher, but I wanted to check."

"You couldn't have, I don't know, _asked?__"_

"Boss," the dog said in the slow, deliberate way one spoke to very small children, "you like to lie. Even though I can smell when you're lying, it's better to just trust my senses." Pakkun dropped back down to all fours and went to the kitchen, Kakashi in close attendance.

"So I didn't screw the teacher," Kakashi scoffed, trying not to let his disappointment show. "So what?"

Pakkun didn't respond until he'd gone to the water bowl Kakashi had set out for him. He lowered his head and, delicately for one of his kind, slurped up some water. Licking his chops, he looked up at Kakashi. "You don't smell like you've been with a bitch either."

"Pakkun," Kakashi said, gritting his teeth, "I haven't been with _anybody_ in recent memory."

"Don't get your hackles up, boss," Pakkkun said laconically. "I was just trying to figure something out."

"What, then?" Kakashi wasn't sure he liked where the dog was going with his verbal meanderings.

"Why you don't smell like anything but the teacher," Pakkun replied, sounding confused. He sat down by one of Kakashi's feet and leaned against his leg. "You said a bitch was there, right?"

"A _woman,_ yes."

"Hackles **down**, pup," Pakkun ordered in the tone of voice he _only_ used when Kakashi was missing the point. Kakashi, as obedient to the dog he had grown up with as ever, reluctantly took a deep breath. The dog looked up at him a moment to make sure he was calm, then continued. "If you spent two whole days in the company of the teacher and some female, you should smell like the female too."

It took a minute for that to sink it. "I don't, though?"

"No, you don't," Pakkun said thoughtfully. "I saw that female for a moment after you summoned us. Like the teacher, but female."

"Right," Kakashi said hesitantly.

Pakkun carefully sniffed him over, using a more delicate method than the unceremonious crotch-check from earlier. "You smell like Anbu and the lead-bitch. Also the teacher and the brats. But no one else."

Even though he knew it wouldn't do any real good, Kakashi lifted an arm and took a few whiffs of his armpit. That only got him an unhappy stomach and no answers. "I smell really really bad, but I do smell Iruka-san there too."

"And _no __one __else_," Pakkun said for the third time, clearly losing his patience. He trotted back out to the living room and jumped onto the couch where he could better glare up at Kakashi. "What kind of person doesn't give off a smell? Even those Anbu-pups do when they're on missions."

Kakashi didn't answer, but removed his underwear and walked to the bathroom. The apartment, while better laid-out than Iruka-san's, was still rather basic, but one of the things Kakashi _did_ have that the teacher didn't was a functioning furo. He briskly washed himself down with his soap and shampoo, not wanting to sully the warm bath water. While he liked the faint woodsy scent that clung to Iruka-san, he didn't think it smelled so good on him. Kakashi was more of a freshly-cut plant man than a woody one.

He turned on the wall spigot, filled the bowl he kept there, and rinsed himself thoroughly before gingerly stepping into the furo. He kept it hot as a matter of course, the lesson of one too many missions where he had arrived home cold and aching driven into him. Sighing, he leaned back against the cushion, letting his body relax even as his mind worked at full speed.

If the female Iruka hadn't had a scent, could that also mean that, somehow, she even _smelled_ exactly like his familiar male chuunin? He raised an eyebrow at himself at the language slip. When had the chuunin become _his_, exactly? Kakashi decided to deliberately ignore for now the way he had labeled the chuunin as his own private property (though not without some effort), and instead focused himself on the issue of smells.

Blood relations always had a base layer of smell that linked them as kin. If Iruka-san and the now-gone Umino-san smelled alike, there would have still been different pheromones to tell them apart. Male pheromones, to Kakashi's nose at least, always smelled sharper and clearer than the more subtle female ones. According to several of the female jounin he knew, it was because women took more care to conceal their natural odors, having more of them in general. Though he had never slept with a civilian who saw the need to conceal herself from hunting animals or sensitive-nosed enemies, Kakashi was forced to take his comrades' word for it. Kakashi took a moment to remember Iruka-san's unique fragrance, and shivered in a way that had nothing to do with being cold. The man really _did_ have an amazing aroma about him.

But why was it that Umino-san didn't have a scent at all? Ninken like Pakkun had noses that rivaled any mortal bloodhound, and if Pakkun said he didn't smell a female version of Iruka-san on Kakashi's body (and most certainly there was none of her to be smelled on Kakashi's crotch), then there was no female Iruka-san scent on Kakashi's body. Still, Kakashi couldn't quite reconcile the reality of having seen the woman (disturbing and attractive though she was) with the complete lack of olfactory proof. Was something interfering with Pakkun's or his nose? Iruka-san's personal musk was strong in its own right, but not strong enough to cancel out others of its kind, or Pakkun would never have smelled Tsunade-sama or the Anbu or even his former students. What kind of person didn't have a smell?

Suddenly, Kakashi sat up. He _knew_ what was wrong. It wasn't that Umino-san was from another world, or that Iruka-san had a strong enough smell to cancel anything out, or even that something was blocking his nose. He _knew_ it in a flash, almost as if he had taken one of his own Chidori to the head (and the past few days, he had considered it once or twice).

How could he have been so _stupid?_ Kakashi himself had suggested that Umino-san came from another world, and both she and Iruka-san himself, one of whom was under a truth jutsu, had said the same thing! He saw it himself, the Hokage's room at the top of the tower, everyone staring in astonishment at Umino-san who had said...what was it she had said?

"_Where did you come from?"_

"_I was grading papers when I was suddenly transported here."_

She hadn't been lying. As if to support his sudden surety at the truth of the situation, Kakashi, though he hadn't taken much note of it at the time (having had more pressing concerns like extreme exhaustion, hunger and chakra depletion), had noticed that, upon returning to Iruka-san's apartment after that embarrassing shopping trip, the top paper on that stack of tests had been halfway graded.

"_...I want to go home. I haven't started grading and the students are not going to wait for their exam results just because of the attack!"_

Iruka-san's word echoed in his head once again. That had been a _lie. _Iruka-san hadn't been anywhere near those papers in the previous days, so how had those papers been graded? Unless he had missed something, Iruka-san had not been put under the truth jutsu Naruto had devised, and he had lied and no one had caught him on it. What was more, Umino-san had told the truth about where had come from. The _literal _truth.

Umino-san wasn't from another world. She was a _kage __bunshin. _A _clone._

It explained _everything_. Gods knew that Kakashi had no idea how other worlds' versions of him would act if they still existed; too many variables could cause changes to his personality and looks. Even if he were to meet his otherwordly counterpart in the street, chances are the other man wouldn't look like him, move like him, or have many of his memories (come to think of it, there were no guarantees that a Kakashi from another world would even be a _man_). But Umino-san had had _every_ memory Iruka-san had. How else could she? Clones, as a necessity, knew everything their creator knew; the only difference was that they were made of chakra instead of blood and bone.

It also galled him to realize that, if he had just left Iruka-san and Umino-san...no, call it correctly, Iruka-san and Iruka-san's _clone_ by themselves for an hour instead of insisting upon following them everywhere, he would have picked up on her scentlessness that much sooner.

Clones didn't _have_ scents that a person could actually identify. Ninja grew so used to sensing chakra that few realized that, if one's nose was sharp enough, chakra could actually be smelled. In a village of ninja, who would bother to try smelling for it? It was already everywhere. Even Pakkun had to tune it out when Kakashi asked him to do some nasal work for him, and a ninken's nose was many times more sensitive than a human's, even one who had advanced senses.

More memories started to come to him, as if to taunt him even more with missing the obvious. That chakra pattern that had woken him, when Iruka-san had supposedly been showing Umino-the _female __clone_-how to work the shower hadn't felt like a jutsu being activated. It had been a jutsu being _released._ At the time, there would have been no way for Kakashi to have known that, but afterwards, it was almost as if Iruka-san had been acting a little less casually around him, and even being less snarky. As if-

-as if he were Umino-san. Kakashi realized that they must have actually traded places in the bathroom, with Iruka-san turning into Umino-san by using the perverted jutsu Naruto had originally been famous for, while creating a clone of himself in his original body. Kakashi pushed aside a brief flash of disappointment that it hadn't actually been Iruka-san with him in the shower, but consoled himself by remembering that, unless pains were taken to deliberately differ in appearance with the creator's will, all clones were identical twins of their creator. Still, he would have liked to know that Iruka-san had been the one bathing him. Of course, in a way, he _had, _but knowing it through a clone's memories and not his direct sensory input.

Kakashi briskly slapped himself on the cheek and splashed some water on his face. Now was not the time to wax nostalgic about being naked in the presence of one hot man in two bodies, even if he was currently in an ideal situation to relieve the sudden pressure in his groin! He had to have _answers _about what was going on! With a mild sigh of regret, he stood up in his furo, and let the water gradually slide off his chest, down his flat stomach and down his...not quite so flat erection. Looking down, he sighed again. Now was not the time, not when he had questions to ask of the Hokage.

He reached for a towel and rubbed himself down until he risked the cloth getting wet, then stepped out, drying the rest of him. Naruto's stupid new jutsu had caused all this trouble, but one thing it did do was _work._ If someone said something while under its influence, that was the truth. The female clone had said that she was a _jounin._ Since a clone was an extension of its creator, that was as good as saying that _Iruka-san_ was a jounin as well.

Why hide the fact that a person, namely Iruka-san, had a certain rank?

Kakashi was sure the Hokage would know, and he would go to see her. Immediately. With that thought in mind, he left the bathroom and went toward the door.

"Uh, boss?" Pakkun inquired uneasily from his position on the couch.

"What?" Kakashi demanded irritably.

"If you're going out, shouldn't you get dressed in your fur first?"

Kakashi looked down, and blushed. At least his erection had gone away before he had exited the bathroom, but to forget to _dress?_

That was embarrassing.

-()()-

Kakashi stood in front of the Hokage, feeling irritable. The damn woman was _smirking_ at him. Why would she look like that when he hadn't even said anything?

"Hokage-sama, I have a question," he said, clinging onto his politeness by a thread.

"You of all people are certainly welcome to ask me things," Tsunade-sama replied, still with that damnable expression on her face. "How can I help one of my best jounin today?"

"You can tell me why Iruka-san had to figure out a way to confuse me about his actual rank," Kakashi said flatly. If he was lucky, it would catch her off guard.

Instead, it did nothing. The Hokage only smirked more widely. "What are you talking about, Kakashi-kun?"

Kakashi ground his teeth, grateful that she couldn't see it through his mask. "That woman who disappeared wasn't from some other place," he said slowly and clearly. "She was a clone."

"My, what an impressive deduction," Tsunade-sama said with mock-astonishment. Kakashi _knew_ she was faking it. "How did you arrive at that conclusion?"

"Various things," he said, not straightening from his slouch. The chairs normally in front of her desk were gone, and he almost felt like he was back in school, staring at the headmaster and wondering if he could take the man down and make his escape before he got into trouble.

"And what various things are those?" Tsunade-sama practically purred. "This is quite an accusation to make about one of my most loyal chuunin. Why should he lie? More, why would he lie to me, his leader?"

"I think you would be the person to ask, Hokage-sama," Kakashi said, a harder tone entering his voice. "I can't think of a single reason for your loyal chuunin, Umino Iruka, to lie unless _you_ ordered him to do it."

"Again with the interesting accusations," the Hokage said, suddenly sounding a little less like a happy cat. "If I were to instruct one of my people to lie, answer me this; why would I ask one of my people to lie to another one of my own people?"

Kakashi didn't even hesitate. "If one of your people was becoming a traitor."

"And was anyone in the room about to turn on me?" Tsunade-sama inquired. "I know you know your people as well as Iruka-kun does."

"No," Kakashi was forced to admit. "But-"

"But nothing, Kakashi-kun," Tsunade-sama said, calmly reaching into a drawer and pulling out a small jug of sake. Setting in on her desk, she continued, "now, I believe I've answered your question."

"You haven't, actually."

"And this should prove that I have no real need to do so,"she said with an air of finality. "I haven't instructed Iruka-kun to lie to anyone about anything."

Kakashi felt his theories slipping out of his grasp. She was telling the truth; all her scents and signals said so. If the Hokage hadn't ordered him to lie, than who had?

"Is that all, Kakashi-kun?"

"Yes, and thank you, Hokage-sama," he said, giving her a respectful bow, though his current mood was anything but reverential. "I appreciate your time."

Walking down the hallways and stepping down the stairs, Kakashi felt as though he was back on square one. Tsunade-sama hadn't instructed Iruka-san to lie. Iruka-san wouldn't lie unless he was told to, so if no one had ordered the chuunin or jounin or whatever he was to do so...was he lying?

Several flights of stairs and hallways later, he was almost to the exit where, once again, he encountered Shark-san on his way to the door. The lighting was good enough to reflect almost wetly upon the porcelain mask's many jagged red teeth, and the effect was nearly enough to make even Kakashi want to shiver with fright. The tall Anbu was leaning casually against a wall, almost as though he was waiting for someone. For Kakashi? Kakashi thought it unlikely, but as the past few days had pointed out, weirder things could happen.

"You again," Kakashi said, addressing the man directly.

Lifting up his hands, the Anbu signed at him "meeting," the Hokage's personal hand sign (each Hokage had one unique to their personal name), and "urgent?"

"No, nothing urgent," Kakashi said with a sigh, disliking and understanding the man's reasons for not using his ruined voice at the same time. "Something came to light regarding the mystery of the now-gone Umino-san, and I needed her input."

Shark-san's posture relaxed a bit, then he signed "solved?"

"Far from," Kakashi said. "I had some wrong theories. It happens."

The Anbu shrugged, gave him the sign for "good luck," then came forward and gently clapped him on the shoulder. Then with a nod, Shark-san took his leave.

Almost on reflex, Kakashi inhaled deeply to prepare himself for whatever the Anbu might do when he came forward like that. If the man had intended to attack him, Kakashi knew he would need every bit of air available to him. However, when the inhaled air passed his sensitive nose as Shark-san moved a bit away, then vanished, Kakashi almost fell over in shock.

_The man didn't have a scent._

That was _it._ Kakashi had to track down Iruka-san and get some answers, and stalking out of the Tower, he intended to track down the teacher and wring the words out of him, if he had to-

"Something on your mind, Kakashi-san?"

Letting out an unmanly, undignified yelp, Kakashi stumbled and almost fell, if not for Iruka-san's strong hand grasping his forearm and holding him up. Kakashi gasped for air, then noted that Iruka-san has his normal (_sexy_) scent of woodsy (_seduction_) trees about him. Ignoring the strange byplay in his head, he gaped at the teacher. "How did you just show up when I wanted to find you?"

"Bit of an ego trip there?" Iruka-san chuckled, letting go of Kakashi's arm once Kakashi was steady on his feet. "I was going to see Hokage-sama; she sent a bird for me a while ago."

Kakashi narrowed his eye at Iruka-san. "Are you a jounin?"

"What if I was?" Iruka-san asked, clearly amused. "Would it change what you like or know about me?"

"Only regarding that one fact," Kakashi snapped. "I know Umino-san was a clone-"

"Interesting idea," Iruka-san interjected, but Kakashi wasn't done.

"-and that _Shark_ is one too!"

"Okay, that's taking things a bit far," Iruka-san said with shock. "How can you gossip about an Anbu-"

"-that I'd never even _seen_ until a few days ago?" Kakashi growled in Iruka-san's face, again trying to ignore how good the man smelled. "When his presence was conveniently preceded by _your_ clone?"

"How do you know it's my clone?" Iruka-san asked, the easy humor coming back to him.  
"It wasn't someone else's!" Kakashi stated. "Not even Naruto knows you well enough to imitate all your mannerisms! Plus, every time I was in your apartment, the clone kept making statements that made it sound like it was _her_ apartment too!"

Iruka-san had the _audacity_ to chuckle at him. "Kakashi-san, I'm not going to admit anything to you," he said after he'd finished expressing his mirth. Little tears of humor were clinging to his eyelashes, and he wiped them away. "Especially when all you're giving me are things you _think_ are facts. Where's the evidence?"

"Sakura-chan had to be involved with untangling your chakra to the clone's," Kakashi said simply. "All she did was make the already-there ties visible and then said some mumbo-jumbo that made it sound as if that theory we all had were viable!"

"A theory _you_ came up with, Kakashi-san," Iruka-san reminded him. "Not that we agreed with you, but considering the circumstances, I think it makes more sense than me conjuring up a clone to hide my theoretical abilities from everyone. I've got nothing to hide."

At that statement, Kakashi stopped dead. Iruka-san was right. Despite all the things he said, Kakashi didn't have _proof._ That must have been one of the reasons the Hokage hadn't answered him directly earlier.

"Now, if you're done asking me odd questions, do you mind if I go and get felt up so that I can see the Hokage?" Iruka-san asked, businesslike all of a sudden. "We can talk later if you have more to show me."

"Yeah, sure," Kakashi said, feeling confused and downcast. "Bye."

"Bye," Iruka-san, and walked to where Kakashi had just exited. Kakashi teleported home and sat next to Pakkun, absently rubbing the ninken's head.

He had come to one conclusion. If it was proof the Hokage wanted, then proof she would _get._

-()()-

Iruka waited until Kakashi had teleported away, then sighed and made the signs for the jutsu himself. He appeared directly in the Hokage's room. Shark-san was armed and immediately in front of him, to provide protection for Tsunade-sama in case he was a threat. With a small grin, he touched Shark's chest, and the clone dissipated back into Iruka. Blinking as he assimilated the recent memories, he grinned as he watched Kakashi trying to figure things out. The man had it right and wrong all at the same time.

"Welcome back, Shark," he heard his Hokage say, more than a little tipsy and highly amused. "Did Kakashi-kun take the bait?"

Iruka looked at her, and smiled back. "Hook, line and sinker. This ought to be _fun_."

* * *

_That was the conclusion of D the M! Please leave me your thoughts and feelings! Also, let me know if you'd be interested in a sequel, which may or may not already be in the works. I'm sneaky that way. Thanks to all my kind reviewers and one to the one person silly enough to flame me for not writing something Sasuke-centric!_


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